"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." -Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

 

G.M.C

Gods
Mechanical
Curse

hahahaha!!!

 

Now THAT's funny!!!

 

Subject: Taliban Army
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when
they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Arkansas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over
the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Arkansan is better than one hundred
Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Arkansas voice calls out again "One Arkansan is better than one
thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and
sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring
out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune
and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more
men ... its a trap.

There's two of them."

 

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard.

A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised"

 

A blonde's car breaks down on Interstate 10 one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of this
Interstate occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?"
asks the cop.
And she said..."Those are my emergency flashers!"

 

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard *****, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ***, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

These are great!

 

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at
him, "Hey! Come over here buddy!"

The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is
standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the
Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me. Now
all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to
the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money
cause I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself, "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar signs
started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house to where the
old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the farmer,
"Hey old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down old nag
you've got in the field."

The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You can't
believe anything that darn horse says. He's never even been to
Kentucky."

 

TTT

Found it on page 10.

If you Guys are looking for a thread.
Just call me and I will do the search.

 

F150Europe,
You have to much time, I got to page 183 and found out that you moved it to page 1. Darn!!

 

Some real good ones here.......


1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella cuz you watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

10. You're the one calling the police because the next door music's too
loud.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and
pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'll never drink that
much again."

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to
you.

 

There was this blind man right?
He was walking past a fish market, stopped and said "Whoo, good morning ladies"

 

Tree-hugger
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a
vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country
doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with
great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he
would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the
Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area.
and I'm sorry, they all turned me down.

 

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I park my Chevy in the street.
If it should roll before I wake,
God bless the parking brake!