Thanks, JD. Here's a lovely little ditty about what it means to be a woman. What's that got to do with trucks? Well, I want to dedicate it to Andthensometoo, revered originator of this thread. So, say it with me:

What does it mean to be a woman?
_________

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
And I can justify any shopping spree.
I don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon
I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the check book; can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my a$$.
My beauty’s a masterpiece and, yes, it takes long.
Though I have to admit, I’m never wrong.

I don’t drive in circles at any cost
And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost.
I never forget an important date.
You just gotta deal with it: I’m usually late.

I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need an instant replay to remember the score.
I won’t lose my hair. I don’t get jock itch.
And just ‘cause I’m assertive, don’t call me a bitçh.

Don’t say to your friends, “Oh yeah, I can get her.”
In your dreams, my dear. I can do better!
Flowers are okay, but jewellery’s best.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY FACE, AND NOT AT MY CHEST!!!!

I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings.
I know when you’re lying, you look at the ceiling.
Don’t call me a girl, a babe, or a chick.
I am a WOMAN, get it? You PRIÇK!

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange :


Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

------------------
99 F250XLT Supercab LD
5.4L 3.73 LS
White/Silver
Graphite interior
6 CD changer/Captain's Chairs

 

Come on, folks. Have YOU got a good joke you can post? I'm on "empty" here.

For newbies, I challenge you. Read this topic from the start, every page, and not laugh. I'd bet my truck you couldn't.

------------------
Black 2000 SC short-box XLT. 4.2 V-6, 5-speed, 3.55 limited-slip. CD, remote entry, factory side steps, FORD box liner, rear fender inner splash shields (TSB 00-09-05), FORD bug deflector, Wheelskins Eurotone leather steering wheel cover.

My third F-series ordered new. The other two: '73 F-100 Custom, 240 cube 6, 3 on the tree, tan, "West Coast" mirrors, step bumper, knitted vinyl seat, AM radio; and '98 F-150 SC short-box XL, XLS package, Pacific Green, 4.2 5-speed, 3.55 LS, FM-cassette.

GREAT trucks!

 

I'll try shifter
A guy has always wanted cowboy boots, but never enough free cash. Finally he saves up enough, gets the boots and wears them home to show his wife - Notice anything new?, he says - she looks him over and says Nope. so he does a little jig - pounding his feet on the floor - How about now? - Nope. so he strips off all his clothes, but leaves the boots on - Now? - Nope. He says well my **ck is pointing at my NEW COWBOY BOOTS !!!
She says - You should have bought a COWBOY HAT.

rr

 

Good one, roadrunner. Here's a riddle for the intellectually minded, probably about the same guy and his wife:

At the exact same time, there are two men (likely Shovie owners) on the opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is receiving oral sex from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thought. What are they both thinking?
>
>
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
>
>
>
>
> (Almost there)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Don't look down.

 

Here's your "Top 10" meanings for PMS:

10.Psychotic Mood Shift
9. Pack My Stuff
8. Pissy Mood. Sorry!
7. Permanent Menstrual Sydrome
6. Perpetual Munching Spree
5. Puffy Mid-Section
4. Pardon My Sobbing
3. Pimples May Surface
2. Pass My Sweatpants

And the No. 1 meaning of PMS?

1. Pass My Shotgun. Look out, guys!

 

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

 

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO **** DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS

 

Poorly Worded Ads

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

 

Ok, if you insist:Top 20 children's books
not recommended by the
National Library Association

20. Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
19. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose
18. The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and The Vice Squad
17. The Tickling Babysitter
16. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
15. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
14. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
13. Babar Becomes a Piano
12. Controlling The Playground: Respect through Fear
11. David Duke's World of Imagination
10. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to all of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with the Change from your Mom's Purse
3. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without their Clothes On
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

 

Okay. So who is going to post the 700th message on this great topic? It must contain a good joke, of course.

 

First I need to say that we have a lot of north dakotan jokes here. There was this trucker, for a living he drove around the state looking for north dakotans to hit. He could always tell that they were north dakotan because they would run into the road in front of his truck. He was driving along one day when he saw a priest hitch hiking, so since he couldn't leave a priest he picked him up. Later that day they were driving around (the priest was clueless of his profession) Soon he noticed a north dakotan in the so he needed a way to hit the man without it seening bad to the priest, so he figured that he would preten to be asleep, then just swerve. Well he started to look sleepy then started to swerve, suddenly BAM he instantly said "did I hit him!!" "no" replied the priest "but I got him with my door"

 

Hey, over 700 posts! This is great! Good one, Ford4Fun. Have you heard this story about the Missionary and the Chief?
______

A religious missionary who spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He suddenly realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a long walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "That is a TREE." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "That a tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "That is a ROCK." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "That a rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly blurts out, "Ah, ah. Riding a bike!"

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief in his native language, "I've spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could you kill these people in cold blood that way?"

The chief replied, "That MY bike."


[This message has been edited by Shifter (edited 05-31-2001).]

 

See Below

[This message has been edited by Dewayne Fuller (edited 06-06-2001).]

 

The Hypnotist...

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. Officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later, the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. He chanted: “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. “****,” said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.