I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/ sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh@t if you live to be 80?"

 

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid.

Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells
his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor,
you drink from the bottle."

 

[Fwd: FW: Harvest Moon (Really beautiful)]







Click Here:

http://media.euniverse.com/www_castl...rvest_moon.swf

 

This guy has a Harley with a lot of chrome on it, and to keep the chrome protected and from pitting when it rains, he covers the chrome with Vasoline.

Well the guy drives his bike over to his girlfriends house one night to meet her family and eat dinner with them. So they go into the kitchen and sit down, and he notices that there are hundreds of dishes that havnt been washed yet--theyre all piled up everywhere. He asks his girlfriend why they never wash the dishes and she says that whoever talks at the table during supper has to wash the dishes, so naturally, no one ever talks.
So they begin eating and no one says a word. The guy thinks of how he can get someone to talk, so he grabs his girlfriend, lifts her up on the table, and starts banging the heck out of her. No one says a word. So he puts her down, waits a minute, grabs his girlfriends mother, bends her over, and proceeds to have sex with her right in front of her daughter and her husband. Still, no one says a word. All of the sudden, he hears a roar of thunder, and looks out the window and sees that its about to rain. Thinking of his Harley, the guy looks at the father and asks , "Sir do you have any Vasoline?" The father stands up quickly and says, "Aww hell, Ill do the dam dishes!!"


> I figure you guys would like this one

 

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks (Woman, sarcastic? no way...) .

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

 

Where do you find all these JD? They are damn good...


"They're not hanging Wright tonight"

 

Glad you like them , Friends just pass them around. Only have about 150 more then I'll let this thread die...


A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, a man's ***** is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the ***** are there for decoration only."

 

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.

 

lol..liked the lightbulb joke there

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hey, let's go ride bikes.

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats streaming behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I F@CKING DIDN'T !!"

 

 

 

 

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the manwas slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

Ok, I read a bunch of funny ones on here, so I had to add one:



There's a married couple, the man is a Ford driver, the woman has a Shovie. They get along well for the most part, but they never have sex, despite the husband's desire to do so. This goes on for some time with them only having sex once or twice a year.

They grow apart over time and one day they have a fight about something really minor but it just gets bigger and bigger until they are really fighting it out so badly that the man leaves the house for a few hours.

He comes home and finds his wife packing her bags so he asks her "what are you doing? leaving??" and she says 'Yeah, i just found out that in the state of Nevada prostitution is legal, and I can make $250 an hour for what you've been getting for free all these years."

So she thinks he's going to get mad when she says that, but much to her surprise, he starts to laugh, a little at first, but then he starts to laugh so hard he can hardly catch his breath. Annoyed, his wife asks him 'What's so funny??' and he says 'Well, I'm just trying to figure out how you'll be able to make ends meet on $500 a year!"