Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election
for tax collector.

One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river.

"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.

"No, I don't think so," the other replied.

"Why not?" the first farmer asked.

"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I
looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin'
strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.

"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen
this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.

"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull
passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.

"Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out
of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.

"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.

"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man
that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference
between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ***?"

 

Memo from Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Texas, Kentucky, and Ohio on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..."when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat."

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus

 

FDA Warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and
alcohol packaging, such as:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.



2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like an *******.



3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to CRACK YOUR ****ING HEAD OPEN.



4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to
thay shings like thish.



5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at 4 in the morning.



6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your pants.



7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and or name you can't remember).



8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.



9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than
some really, really big guy with a bat named Norm.



10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you are invisible.



11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.



12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux
in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes
large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.



13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE
pregnancy.

 

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So your *** is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there

No women who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did your best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on your thighs

I swear on gramma's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the game is on
And get me another beer

 

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies
in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

 

This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian
name given to him because he had only one ********. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he ravished her all day, he ravished her all night, he ravished her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he ravished her all day, ravished her all night, ravished her all the next day, ravished her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?
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You can't kill two birds with one stone.

 

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he
loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

The keg has a hole in it; the blonde doesn't."

 

A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman "Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it...you're going to sh@t when you hear the price."

 

Are my ********* black?"

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my ********* black?" Embarrassed, the young>nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my ********* black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his ********* in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my...test... results... back?"

 

NEW DRUGS FOR CHEVY AND DODGE WOMEN


D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.


ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.



E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"


B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E T

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

 

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on
the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension
he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most
certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany
her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure
enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

 

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia, then Florida and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina, Virginia and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down into Arkansas, Texas and Louisiana. Next, they will cross over into Mississippi, finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:

I'm Gay
I'm a Vegetarian
NASCAR Sucks
Go Yankees!
Smoking is for Idiots
Hillary in 2004
Deer Hunting is Murder
I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.