What's the difference between a Genealogist and a gynecologist?

A Genealogist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

 

James and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." James' wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." James' wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. James' wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to blondes exhibit, James says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

The teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they celebrated Christmas.

She called first on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

Very nice, Patrick, she said. Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas? Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

That's also very nice, Jimmy, she said. Realizing that there was a
Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the
discussion, she asked him the same question. Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?

Well, we also sing carols, Isaac responded. Surprised, Mrs. Jones
questioned further. Tell us what you sing.

Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, What a friend we have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas!!

 

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get sh@tty ideas from.

 

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three ***** to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: $1.00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf *****: $3,000.00" He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "WHAT is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf *****?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf ***** cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the *****."

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the sh@t out of a ghost."

 

Screwy Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Attorney: someone who writes a 4 page document and calls it a brief

 

Now that I'm 'older', here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
NINETEEN- I am unable to remember if I have posted this before and doubt if you can either.

 

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

 

* Element Name: WOMANIUM
* Symbol: WO
* Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
* Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
* Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
* Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
* Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

 

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t@ts twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

 

ZIPLOC BAGS = male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

COPIER = female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when you push the wrong buttons.

TIRE = male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON = male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ......and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES = female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE = female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY = male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS = female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER = male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL = female... Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider..........it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying...

 

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.


This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on...

 

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever know it happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall, there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."?

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain.," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FREAKING LIGHT, I sh@t in my pants!"

He got the job.

 

MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with
providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Mexicans.

God Bless America!, and have a great .........