Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order...'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and mor e martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

 

1.How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
2.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
3.Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
4.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....
-----------------------------------------------------------
5.How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
6.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
7.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
8.Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
9.Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they

 

Boudreaux and Thibodaux

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux.
Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man,
its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't
get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats.
You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors.." Thibodeaux say,
Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem
big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at
once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and
bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat
snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere
and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean
long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled
up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even
move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da
phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats
is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all
day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do.
Give dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"

Boudreaux say," I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat
Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

 

Jay: You gotta truck?
Bill: Yep.
Jay Dog?
Bill: No a Ford.

 

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady,
and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound
of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on
his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the
old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but
missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again .

 

Priceless!!!

 

He needs to be slapped. Good joke.

 

how about a picture of a pretty funny joke...







And a heck of a way to advertise...

 

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you
in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap
and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the
room smells awesome.

 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says....................





'Grandpa,.......... Go home'

 

A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if We won the Lotto?”




She says, “I'd take half, then leave you.”




“Excellent,” he replies, “I won $12 bucks, here's $6, now get the f... out.”

 

So these two guys walk into a bar....













The third guy ducks!

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? .

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God
loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

wow...ummm....i'm sad...there are no more jokes...

I just spent the past two days at work reading ALL of these and they are great, keep them coming!