what does a dog and a near sighted gynaecologist have in common?
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they both have wet noses

 

^



Redneck word of the day: OBAMA

example:

I bought me a case of beer and drank it obama self.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: This just in!!! Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!!!

 

Copper wire facts

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later. A local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near St. Martinville, Bubba Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless...

Just makes you proud to live in Louisiana !

 

A guy from Cleveland dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man
his entire life.
The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To
make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he
is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Cleveland is
happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've
turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so
happy?"
The guy from Cleveland , with a big smile, looks at the devil and
replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Cleveland . Hot, humid,
a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the
guy from Cleveland . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a
driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.
Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy
from Cleveland is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow
full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
The guy from Cleveland replies, "This is great! Just like April in
Cleveland . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy
from Cleveland suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly
Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make
the guy from Cleveland unhappy, the devil checks in on him.
He is again shocked at what he sees. The guy from Cleveland is dancing,
singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams
the devil.
Jumping up and down, the guy from Cleveland throws a snowball at the
devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the BROWNS won the Super Bowl!!"

 

that would be funny if it wasnt so possible.

I sure miss Bush

 

Don't worry, it'll grow back

 

funny-speeding-tickets.blogspot.com

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS.

 

Rofl hahahaha

 

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.





'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'





The wolf jumps up and runs away.





Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.





'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'





Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.





About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.





'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'





With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'

 

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it..


The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things,
a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better
of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All
winter.'

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a

Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see

What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting

'14....14....14'...

 

Subject: The Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which
rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Obama, and a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed Obama's bell
hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Obama had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one. John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Boone
County Fair and Obama became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Obama was
a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention?