Two guys were out drinking and one of them coughs and throws up a little bit on his own shirt. He then gets really upset because now he can't convince his wife that he didn't drink that much.

His buddy tells him,"the story is simple... put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that a stranger at the bar puked on you, felt really bad about it, and even gave you $10 to get your shirt cleaned. Then when she questions you, pull the $10 out and show it to her."

The first guy is convinced this will work so he continues drinking. When he comes in after 3:00, his wife is up waiting on him and is furious that he's been out drinking so much. She says, "boy, I knew that you would lie to me and get tore up at the bar tonight. Look, you even puked on your brand new shirt."

He tells her the story and at the end, produces the money from the pocket and hands it to her. She looks at the money and realizes that there's $20 there in her hand. She yells at him, "you can't even get your story straight, you told me he gave you $10 to clean your shirt and there's $20 here."

The man pleads with her and says, "honey, I didn't finish telling you the story... later on, that drunk stranger crapped in my pants, too!"

 

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.



There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.


He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ...?", as he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.



"Don't tell me you've built a golf course!"

 

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple, by the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile!!)

 

Ex President Bush and Ex VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big breasts.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big breasts?


Why kill a blonde with big breasts?'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.

 

I LAUGHED, BUT IT'S NO JOKE.......

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

 

A woman and her husband were laying in bed one evening after their have at it and the woman heard something outside and she jerked up and exclaimed, "That must be my husband! You gotta get out of here!" The guy jerked up and grabbed his clothes off the floor and dashed for the stairs and then decided the balcony would he faster so he jumped for it and landed in the holly bush below. After a few yelps, whimpers and well chosen curses and swears he started hobbling towards his car. Half of the way there he paused and then turned around and walked back in the house, trudged up the stairs, stomped into the bedroom and yelled at his wife, "I am your husband, you crazy b*tch!" To which the woman replied snidely, "Then why did you run?"

 

On his death bed, Earl Woods told Tiger: "Focus on golf. Screw everything else."

 

^ Clever, clever.

 

Received from my friend in Pa.

>God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
>resting on the seventh day.
> He inquired, "Where have you been?"
> God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
>Michael. Look what I've made."
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
> "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call
>it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
> "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern
>Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is
>going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there
>is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
> God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
>extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
> The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
>said, "What's that one?"
> "That's Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
>mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from
>Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
>are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
>achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
>balance, God? You said there would be balance."
>
>God smiled, "Not very far from Pennsylvania is Washington , DC . Wait till
>you see the idiots I put there."

 

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."

 

Extremely sad... but extremely true! What are the socialists that THOUGHT they wanted the people to run this country (that now ARE running it (into the ground)) going to do when they run out of "other peoples money"? Too many people in this country are slow learners, if they only had looked around to see that socialism has NEVER brought prosperity to any country that has ever tried it (except the LEADERS), we wouldn't be in the mess that we are now. I unfortunately have NO HOPE of my grandkids ever being able to achieve the American dream as I and my brothers were able to from hard work.

Remember folks, "there's no FREE lunch, if you're eating a lunch you didn't pay for, someone paid for a lunch they're not eating!"

 

I think I remember this one being posted but here it is again.


The guys were all at a hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Bill,
because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bill and came to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, Bill snored so
loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man,
that Bill shakes the roof with his snoring.

I couldn't sleep. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy a
man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I
went and tucked Bill into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bill sat up and watched me all night."

 

this is some good stuff

 

Drinking with a Arizona Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer,

he throws his glass in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so

cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!),

throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have

so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with

the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says, 'In Arizona ,we have so many

illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.