Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find
a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead." " " "


'Your *********g brother won't let me in without a tie

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married
for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a
mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we
had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.. As soon as he came in the door
and saw me he said...


"What's for dinner, Batman?"

 

haha fits in with Old Dogg's story

 

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed Monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking Her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities , but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an Alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
Only bar one after noon...

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup In front of Mildred's house ...walked home ... . .and left it there all night !!!

 

Then - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now - If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a leper.

Then - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.
Now - Every time you get near land, there's mob topside to see if their cell phone works.

Then - If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even in home port.
Now - The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies.

Then - You wore bellbottoms everywhere on the ship.
Now - Bellbottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls (or "funny boys") wear them everywhere.

Then - You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.
Now - It's not required and you have a choice of different hats.

Then - If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now - If you say "damn" you'd better be talking about a hydro-electric plant.

Then -The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports.
Now - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done.

Then - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now - We put the real thing in the ****pit.

Then - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.
Now - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

Then - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes likes plastic.

Then - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now - They collect our pee and analyze it.

Then - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up.
Now - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

Then - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

Then - You ate in a Galley. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Then - If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center , played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now - You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.

Then - If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you could go to the EM or Officers' Club.
Now - The beer will cost you two dollars and someone is watching to see how much you drink.

Then - The Exchange or Ship's Store had bargains for sailors who didn't make much money.
Now - You can get similar merchandise, and a whole lot cheaper at Wal-Mart.

Then - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and an YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.
Now - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point presentation.

Then - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bas-tar-ds", "Reds" or whatever is important at the time, because we didn't like them.
Now - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors" so we won't offend them.

Then - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again.

 

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker"...I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting...So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed...It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God!" "Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving
people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through
the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down,
leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write
again soon.

Love,
Grandma

 

most of my jokes would get me banned. heres one i just heard the other day.

why do blond chicks have bruises around their belly buttons?
cause blond guys aint to smart either

 

lol^^^ I'm glad this thread is here, the jokes I've been getting lately are to bad to post here too.

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Houma, Louisiana.


After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a
few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.


After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.


He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off, it was a fine summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple
of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.


He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the. other patron's
vehicles left.


At last, when his was the only car in the parking lot, he pulled out and
drove slowly down the road.


The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over, and
administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'


'I doubt it,' said the truly proud bar patron. 'Tonight I'm the designated
decoy.

 

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 years old and my eyesight isn't as good as it used to be but when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was in line behind you at McDonalds.

 

Why do they call it PMS?


Cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.