The joke thread... Tell your best here
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Joined: May 2004
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From: Sunny FL
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time,” says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up."
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time,” says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up."
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From: Cheyenne, WY
Originally Posted by jamzwayne
A fly is flying over a lake. In the lake there is a trout, he sees the fly and he says to himself, "If that fly droped six inches I'd be able to catch it."
There is a bear standing on the shore of the lake and he says to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and I can catch the trout."
There is a hunter in the forest behind the bear and he says to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and the bear catches the trout, and I can shoot the bear."
There is a mouse standing behind the hunter and she says, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, and I'll be able to get that piece of cheese out of the hunters pocket."
There is a cat behind the mouse and she says, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, this mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and I can catch the mouse."
So after all of this happens, the fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and it is the cats turn. So the cat pounces on the mouse, misses it by a mile, falls in the lake and gets wet.
What is the moral of this insane story?
When a fly drops six inches.....p*ssy....gets wet.
There is a bear standing on the shore of the lake and he says to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and I can catch the trout."
There is a hunter in the forest behind the bear and he says to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and the bear catches the trout, and I can shoot the bear."
There is a mouse standing behind the hunter and she says, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, and I'll be able to get that piece of cheese out of the hunters pocket."
There is a cat behind the mouse and she says, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, this mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and I can catch the mouse."
So after all of this happens, the fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and it is the cats turn. So the cat pounces on the mouse, misses it by a mile, falls in the lake and gets wet.
What is the moral of this insane story?
When a fly drops six inches.....p*ssy....gets wet.
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From: Central PA
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your *********."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear -- $6
Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear -- $6
Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 113
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From: Central PA
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking
desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking
desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Joined: May 2005
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From: great white north
Cowboy is ridding his horse, he see's this snake and decides to shoot it.
The snake say's to him, Please don't shoot me, If you spare my life, I can grant you three whish's.
The cowboy put's down his gun...The snake ask's him for his first whish..
1. cowboy aks's for a more ruggerd face...Clint Eastwood..
2. A more buff body...Arnold Shawrtinager..
3. cowboy ask's to be Built like the horse he's ridding...
Each time the cowboy makes a whish, thiers this tingaling in his body, so he rush's back to the bunk house and looks in the mirrior...
Clint Eastwood is staring back at him......cowboy take's off his shirt...and he's ripped...Eagerly the cowboy drop's his draws and say's............................................. .................................................. ......................................Damit, I was ridding the mare!!!!!!
The snake say's to him, Please don't shoot me, If you spare my life, I can grant you three whish's.
The cowboy put's down his gun...The snake ask's him for his first whish..
1. cowboy aks's for a more ruggerd face...Clint Eastwood..
2. A more buff body...Arnold Shawrtinager..
3. cowboy ask's to be Built like the horse he's ridding...
Each time the cowboy makes a whish, thiers this tingaling in his body, so he rush's back to the bunk house and looks in the mirrior...
Clint Eastwood is staring back at him......cowboy take's off his shirt...and he's ripped...Eagerly the cowboy drop's his draws and say's............................................. .................................................. ......................................Damit, I was ridding the mare!!!!!!
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 434
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From: Colorado
A cowboy crossing the prairie comes upon an Indian on his horse with his dog, and a sheep in tow.
Cowboy says "That's a mighty fine horse you have there. Mind if I ask him a few questions?" Confused, the Indian replies, "Horse no talk." So the cowboy looks at the horse and asks him how the Indian's been treating him? The horse replies, "I'm treated very well. He never rides me hard, always makes sure I have plenty of rest, food, and good water to drink. I have no complaints."
Stunned, the Indian can't believe what he just heard. The cowboy says to him, "Thats a great dog you have there. Mind if I ask him a few questions?" The Indian replies, "Dog no talk." But the cowboy asks the dog how life is going for him? The dog replies, "He's the kindest man in the world. He lets me ride up here with him, feeds me well, throws sticks for me to fetch, and let's me sleep on the blanket next to the fire at night. I have no complaints. Again, the Indian is stunned. The cowboy then says to him, "That's a beautiful sheep you have there." The Indian barks out immediately, "SHEEP TELLS LIES!"
Cowboy says "That's a mighty fine horse you have there. Mind if I ask him a few questions?" Confused, the Indian replies, "Horse no talk." So the cowboy looks at the horse and asks him how the Indian's been treating him? The horse replies, "I'm treated very well. He never rides me hard, always makes sure I have plenty of rest, food, and good water to drink. I have no complaints."
Stunned, the Indian can't believe what he just heard. The cowboy says to him, "Thats a great dog you have there. Mind if I ask him a few questions?" The Indian replies, "Dog no talk." But the cowboy asks the dog how life is going for him? The dog replies, "He's the kindest man in the world. He lets me ride up here with him, feeds me well, throws sticks for me to fetch, and let's me sleep on the blanket next to the fire at night. I have no complaints. Again, the Indian is stunned. The cowboy then says to him, "That's a beautiful sheep you have there." The Indian barks out immediately, "SHEEP TELLS LIES!"
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From: Hammer Lane
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the f*#@ is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the f*#@ is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 5,389
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From: Fort Worth,Tx
Originally Posted by silversvt04
A large company decided to hire a new CEO to give it a boost as the company staock was doing poorly.
The new CEO on the first plant tour wanted to make an impression that he was a hard nosed S O B. So as he is touring with the vice president, he comes across a guy leaning against the wall while every one was working hard. The new CEO looks at the young man and asks how much do you make? A little surprised the young man replies $300 a week.
The CEO hands him $1200.00 and starts Yelling" you lazy son of a bitch,
Here is 4 weeks pay . Now get out of here."
Feeling good about himself the CEO asks does any one know that goof off?"
From across the room a voice answers...Pizza delivery guy from domino's.
The new CEO on the first plant tour wanted to make an impression that he was a hard nosed S O B. So as he is touring with the vice president, he comes across a guy leaning against the wall while every one was working hard. The new CEO looks at the young man and asks how much do you make? A little surprised the young man replies $300 a week.
The CEO hands him $1200.00 and starts Yelling" you lazy son of a bitch,
Here is 4 weeks pay . Now get out of here."
Feeling good about himself the CEO asks does any one know that goof off?"
From across the room a voice answers...Pizza delivery guy from domino's.
lol id so do that!!!
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Joined: Jan 2005
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From: Fort Worth,Tx
Originally Posted by 3valve
A female bank teller was behind her counter when a man walks in wearing a mask. He walks up to her carrying a cup full of man juice. He holds a gun to her head and makes her drink it.
Then the man raises his mask and says "See honey, it's not that bad!"
Then the man raises his mask and says "See honey, it's not that bad!"
lol omg thats gross lol
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 5,409
Likes: 1
From: Sunny FL
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. BEAT IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. BEAT IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.