I need some help/advise.
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From: Paintsville Ky.
I need some help/advise.
Ok guys, I need some help and a little advice.
Im gonna put this at the top, its about a girl I am dating.
So if you don't care, or have nothing to add please just don't bother to post thanks.
Now, if you made it this far I assume you want to help, have advice or are bored.
I have been dating this girl, she is VERY religious, and there is NOTHING wrong with that at all.
I respect her way of life and what she believes in.
My religion goes about as far as believing there is a God, but that's about it.
We have been seeing each other for a little over a month, and I do like her quite a bit.
So far we get along well, but I told her that we needed to talk soon about the religious views we each hold.
She is old regular baptist, and has a (in my opinion) VERY limited view of life and the world.
So far this has not caused us any strife, but I am not sure it wont cause some gear grinding later in life if I was to contuine this with her.
My major issues are,
1) if we marry and have kids (just saying what if) I could see a very large problem here. I think kids should be given a choice at the proper age as to what they want to believe in. I would rather them be kids and have fun not worrying about religion until later and then present them all the unbiased information I could, so that they can make up their own mind.
2) Church, I don't like going and never really have. I was raised free will baptist though and have been saved.
But as I have gotten older I don't really see things the same any more.
She asks me to go, and wants me to go, and I have twice. But I feel guilty about going, like I went for her and not me.
3)touching/sex.
As it is now, I can barely touch or hold her, and when I do I have to be careful or I get my hand moved. AS for the latter, well there is none.
I respect her for what she believes in, but I still think its kind of silly.
4) We are both 24 (almost 25) and she still has a time she has to be home by, and we can't be in a room with a door closed. She simply won't allow it.
5) She doesn't like drinking, or bars. In fact most of the places I like to hang out she won't go.
Like the local sports bar and grill, she wont go even though its a nice classy place and is mostly older people.
I like to have a beer at times, and I don't think she will approve.
I do have feelings for her, and I do enjoy what time I spend with her, but I feel like after we talk I may walk away feeling bad and single.
But in the long run I may have avoided a lot of trouble/strife over these issues.
Both her parents are great, and she is a great person. I have respect for them all.
I want to approach this issue as a adult and be fair and nice about it.
I just have a creeping feeling this "talk" is not going to go well.
I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know it will only get worse if we don't discuss this now as I already feel some tension from it on my end.
So, advice?
Im gonna put this at the top, its about a girl I am dating.
So if you don't care, or have nothing to add please just don't bother to post thanks.
Now, if you made it this far I assume you want to help, have advice or are bored.
I have been dating this girl, she is VERY religious, and there is NOTHING wrong with that at all.
I respect her way of life and what she believes in.
My religion goes about as far as believing there is a God, but that's about it.
We have been seeing each other for a little over a month, and I do like her quite a bit.
So far we get along well, but I told her that we needed to talk soon about the religious views we each hold.
She is old regular baptist, and has a (in my opinion) VERY limited view of life and the world.
So far this has not caused us any strife, but I am not sure it wont cause some gear grinding later in life if I was to contuine this with her.
My major issues are,
1) if we marry and have kids (just saying what if) I could see a very large problem here. I think kids should be given a choice at the proper age as to what they want to believe in. I would rather them be kids and have fun not worrying about religion until later and then present them all the unbiased information I could, so that they can make up their own mind.
2) Church, I don't like going and never really have. I was raised free will baptist though and have been saved.
But as I have gotten older I don't really see things the same any more.
She asks me to go, and wants me to go, and I have twice. But I feel guilty about going, like I went for her and not me.
3)touching/sex.
As it is now, I can barely touch or hold her, and when I do I have to be careful or I get my hand moved. AS for the latter, well there is none.
I respect her for what she believes in, but I still think its kind of silly.
4) We are both 24 (almost 25) and she still has a time she has to be home by, and we can't be in a room with a door closed. She simply won't allow it.
5) She doesn't like drinking, or bars. In fact most of the places I like to hang out she won't go.
Like the local sports bar and grill, she wont go even though its a nice classy place and is mostly older people.
I like to have a beer at times, and I don't think she will approve.
I do have feelings for her, and I do enjoy what time I spend with her, but I feel like after we talk I may walk away feeling bad and single.
But in the long run I may have avoided a lot of trouble/strife over these issues.
Both her parents are great, and she is a great person. I have respect for them all.
I want to approach this issue as a adult and be fair and nice about it.
I just have a creeping feeling this "talk" is not going to go well.
I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know it will only get worse if we don't discuss this now as I already feel some tension from it on my end.
So, advice?
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,226
Likes: 42
From: So. Texas
Cool yer heels cowboy. You've only been seeing her a month and yer already talking marriage. Jeez son, yer still having hormone attacks. Frankly, you still don't know her. Relationships are built over time, not over night. You don't need to be discussing religion with her yet, maybe next year after you've figured out if she is the right one or not. By then you've had time to get to know each other and decide if this is a match or not. You might not even be dating her next week. Enjoy her company now and get to know her first.
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From: Paintsville Ky.
Cool yer heels cowboy. You've only been seeing her a month and yer already talking marriage. Jeez son, yer still having hormone attacks. Frankly, you still don't know her. Relationships are built over time, not over night. You don't need to be discussing religion with her yet, maybe next year after you've figured out if she is the right one or not. By then you've had time to get to know each other and decide if this is a match or not. You might not even be dating her next week. Enjoy her company now and get to know her first.
I guess that's the best thing to do.
I was just trying to weigh the pros and cons.
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10,730
Likes: 42
From: Concord, NC
I see what you mean... like you don't want to waste your time if it is doomed to not workout because of that, right?
I'd say see what happens man and if you get a bad feeling, cut your losses early.
I'd say see what happens man and if you get a bad feeling, cut your losses early.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 802
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In a nutshell, RRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
My major issues are,
1) if we marry and have kids (just saying what if) I could see a very large problem here. I think kids should be given a choice at the proper age as to what they want to believe in. I would rather them be kids and have fun not worrying about religion until later and then present them all the unbiased information I could, so that they can make up their own mind.
You WILL fight over this. Constantly. Until you have a child though, you will not understand. You will want to punch someone who looks at your daughter funny. It's nature to be protective. Being on the same page is essential
2) Church, I don't like going and never really have. I was raised free will baptist though and have been saved.
But as I have gotten older I don't really see things the same any more.
She asks me to go, and wants me to go, and I have twice. But I feel guilty about going, like I went for her and not me.
This isn't a major issue. You will do ALOT more for her then for yourself. That's how it should be. Part of marriage (a good one) is to give was much as you can (not material/possesions)
3)touching/sex.
As it is now, I can barely touch or hold her, and when I do I have to be careful or I get my hand moved. AS for the latter, well there is none.
I respect her for what she believes in, but I still think its kind of silly.
4) We are both 24 (almost 25) and she still has a time she has to be home by, and we can't be in a room with a door closed. She simply won't allow it.
These go hand in hand. It's HER body and HER choice. There are a million women ready to give you some. Not that you necessarily would want it from some of these women (Think grotesquely fat, STDs, etc...) When you want physical closeness as a important part of a relationship, she sees as opportunity to reach you on a philosophical level. If you do not give in to your physical desires, it's because you are putting her desires (to stay Chaste) first. However, physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. "HOW BIG?" is your decision and that can be a sign to move (but not a bigger sign then the religious differences)
5) She doesn't like drinking, or bars. In fact most of the places I like to hang out she won't go.
Like the local sports bar and grill, she wont go even though its a nice classy place and is mostly older people.
I like to have a beer at times, and I don't think she will approve.
And you will regret giving this up and she will NAG you if you don't. Just because you're married doesn't mean you aren't individuals. You each have the right to live your life. If she wants to cheat on you, she can. If you want a beer you can. It relates to your commitment to one another. BUT when you sacrifice INDIVIDUALITY, conflict is inevitable
I do have feelings for her, and I do enjoy what time I spend with her, but I feel like after we talk I may walk away feeling bad and single.
But in the long run I may have avoided a lot of trouble/strife over these issues.
There were several girls, I respected and loved being around. They were great! I knew I couldn't be married to them and left it at that.
GOOD LUCK
1) if we marry and have kids (just saying what if) I could see a very large problem here. I think kids should be given a choice at the proper age as to what they want to believe in. I would rather them be kids and have fun not worrying about religion until later and then present them all the unbiased information I could, so that they can make up their own mind.
You WILL fight over this. Constantly. Until you have a child though, you will not understand. You will want to punch someone who looks at your daughter funny. It's nature to be protective. Being on the same page is essential
2) Church, I don't like going and never really have. I was raised free will baptist though and have been saved.
But as I have gotten older I don't really see things the same any more.
She asks me to go, and wants me to go, and I have twice. But I feel guilty about going, like I went for her and not me.
This isn't a major issue. You will do ALOT more for her then for yourself. That's how it should be. Part of marriage (a good one) is to give was much as you can (not material/possesions)
3)touching/sex.
As it is now, I can barely touch or hold her, and when I do I have to be careful or I get my hand moved. AS for the latter, well there is none.
I respect her for what she believes in, but I still think its kind of silly.
4) We are both 24 (almost 25) and she still has a time she has to be home by, and we can't be in a room with a door closed. She simply won't allow it.
These go hand in hand. It's HER body and HER choice. There are a million women ready to give you some. Not that you necessarily would want it from some of these women (Think grotesquely fat, STDs, etc...) When you want physical closeness as a important part of a relationship, she sees as opportunity to reach you on a philosophical level. If you do not give in to your physical desires, it's because you are putting her desires (to stay Chaste) first. However, physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. "HOW BIG?" is your decision and that can be a sign to move (but not a bigger sign then the religious differences)
5) She doesn't like drinking, or bars. In fact most of the places I like to hang out she won't go.
Like the local sports bar and grill, she wont go even though its a nice classy place and is mostly older people.
I like to have a beer at times, and I don't think she will approve.
And you will regret giving this up and she will NAG you if you don't. Just because you're married doesn't mean you aren't individuals. You each have the right to live your life. If she wants to cheat on you, she can. If you want a beer you can. It relates to your commitment to one another. BUT when you sacrifice INDIVIDUALITY, conflict is inevitable
I do have feelings for her, and I do enjoy what time I spend with her, but I feel like after we talk I may walk away feeling bad and single.
But in the long run I may have avoided a lot of trouble/strife over these issues.
There were several girls, I respected and loved being around. They were great! I knew I couldn't be married to them and left it at that.
GOOD LUCK
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10,730
Likes: 42
From: Concord, NC
Exactly what I was thinking 
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Sorry to say it but you've only been together a month?....if I read that right and its not a typo and you already have all of these concerns its best to make yourself happy.
Don't change for her because it won't work in the end. Having been thru numerous relationships in the 3-5 year range and bidding farewell to all of them but my current girlfriend, if you don't see eye to eye on issues and you're already worrying about things its not going to work out and you're wasting your time. You might be willing to conform a little now to try and make it work but eventually your are going to get tired of pretending to be the person she wants you to be.
Plain and simple get out now before it gets harder to break the tie. Sit down with her and explain your issues, if it doesn't seem like she really grasps why you are having the issue tuck feet and run; find someone who fits better with your lifestyle.
You're only 24, get out and enjoy life!
Don't change for her because it won't work in the end. Having been thru numerous relationships in the 3-5 year range and bidding farewell to all of them but my current girlfriend, if you don't see eye to eye on issues and you're already worrying about things its not going to work out and you're wasting your time. You might be willing to conform a little now to try and make it work but eventually your are going to get tired of pretending to be the person she wants you to be.
Plain and simple get out now before it gets harder to break the tie. Sit down with her and explain your issues, if it doesn't seem like she really grasps why you are having the issue tuck feet and run; find someone who fits better with your lifestyle.
You're only 24, get out and enjoy life!
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 141
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From: Chicago
Well as someone that has been down the road you are on, I will tell you that people like to put their best foot forward when dating.
It sounds like you are trying to be something you're not and over time it won't work.
You're too soon into this relationship to talk marriage but still you have to be on the same level to workout long term.
I am thinking while she may be a great person, your values aren't compatible and you will either be miserable or things will implode.
It sounds like you are trying to be something you're not and over time it won't work.
You're too soon into this relationship to talk marriage but still you have to be on the same level to workout long term.
I am thinking while she may be a great person, your values aren't compatible and you will either be miserable or things will implode.
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 360
Likes: 1
From: Ky
This is an easy one...
Take the feelings you have now, both good and bad. Multiply them by 10, 15, 20 years. The good feeling more than likely won't be any better, the beginning of a relationship are "the most exciting". The bad ones, can get way worse than you imagine. If you think you can't handle them now, don't get into something that is MUCH harder to get out of.
Take the feelings you have now, both good and bad. Multiply them by 10, 15, 20 years. The good feeling more than likely won't be any better, the beginning of a relationship are "the most exciting". The bad ones, can get way worse than you imagine. If you think you can't handle them now, don't get into something that is MUCH harder to get out of.
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 10,511
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From: Under the flightpath of old ORD 22R
I see you make a point of saying 1 thing you like to do, and she does not, but I did not see any where something you do like to do together.
If you can come up with 5 things that could be / are an issue, and mention nothing other than you like spending time with her as a good thing, might want to check that pro / con list again.
At 24 if you are past playing around ( ie looking for something serious and long term ), these are things you want to check before investing too much time ( for both of you ).
If you are not past playing around, what are you doing with her ?
These are not criticisms, just honest questions you need to answer for yourself, and to yourself.
