I just remembered this one.....My buddy had just bought a 92 Toyota and he asked me to come check it out. Well I get under there and see right away the t-case is soaked and I tell him it's leaking. He gets under there to check it out and I hear "You a-hole, it's seeping not leaking!. The poor Toy still seeps to this day.

 

That's my favorite one so far....that is exactly something my wife would ask.

Another thing my wife asked me while we were out to eat one night as I was eating ribs. She asks, "Do they use real or fake bones when they make ribs?" I just look at her in amazement and then she goes, "Cause they'd have to kill a lot of cows if those are real bones."

I just laughed, I never did answer her.

 

Man I actually laughed out loud at those two. Good stuff.

And...

An aircraft carrier actually has to be moving for a plane to fly off or land on it. So she wasn't THAT far off

 

Another one about the Yota guy....We were hanging out on the porch and a wasp flew by him. He flipped over the table and screamed "WAPS, WAPS", the dumbass was so scared he could'nt even say it right.

 

I heard some 30 year old in a bar say "when i grow up i wanna be a foster child"

I was more like ... WTF?

 

A friend of mine at work turned to the girl that sits next to him, they have known each other for many years. He says to her with a stright face, "Your the second most beautiful girl I know. As he turns away "Yup eveyone else is tied for first."

 

You guys will really like this one...happened about 3 months ago. I work part time in a hardware store.

I was stacking heaters in the center isle one day. One of our regular customers (Dave), a plumber, was walking by me through the store. Another customer who Dave had done some work for earlier that morning came through the door:

Customer: "Hey Dave, did you figure out what was wrong with my toilet this morning?"

Dave: "Yea man, you've got to quit flushing your condoms down your bathroom toilet, there must have been 20 of them clogging up the J bend."

Customer: "What? Haha, funny Dave, I dont use condoms. Good one!"


Then Customer realized that Dave wasn't kidding. It was bad...really bad.
I just kept stacking heaters.

 

Coming home from the lake, me and some friends were in my truck, my buddy RJ was driving. We were all hammered except him, he was tired. We started going all over our lane and he would correct it right before we went off the shoulder of the road which harshly dropped off onto dirt. He was falling asleep at the wheel. So a little time goes by after I tell him to pay attention, I open my eyes again and I see we are starting to drift off the road AGAIN...I go "rj....hey rj....R ****IN J" and we slam off the road onto the dirt, the trailer is fish tailing, truck almost rolls into the ditch because of the trailer, RJ corrects the wheel real hard and we get back on the highway. I'm catching my breath after nearly losing my truck and he asks me in a real collected manner, "what". I about lost my mind

 

Calling the dealer for a oil change the guy asks after I tell him I have an F-150, "Gas or diesel?"

In class one day somehow talking about camel toe. My buddy says this one really hot chick has camel toe. I'm like how the hell do you know that? Him, "She wears sandal's all the time." I couldn't stop laughing.

 

 

I overheard this lady telling her grandaughter this at a music recital.
Granny:I really enjoyed your singing earlier.
grandaughter:thanks
Granny: Yea, its always so great when someone sings from the ovaries like that.



Another was from almost ten years ago but its hard to forget. I used to work in a luggage store and a guy came in and spent about $500 on a new briefcase and other stuff for his wife for Xmas. Well about a week after Xmas he comes back in to return everything. I ask him why, didnt she like it?

"He said off course she loved it but her boyfriend got her the same ****"

 

my buddy collects/builds classic cars and was showing the pics on his computer to my wife and I of his new build (56 chevy nomad frame off custom) wife says is that new? (to his collection) sister in law says "no it's a 56!" duh

 

WOW

 

Durning my 200 person chem lecture earlier this semester, the teacher is giving a lecture and says "The center one takes more effort than the other two" talking about the energy required to form. I turn to my buddy and drop the "thats what she said". Right when i said it the entire classroom went silent, allowing everyone to hear it.


Last summer driving home from the lake, me and my buddy are sitting in the front, with three girls in the back seat. Somehow the subject of children came up and one of the girls said, "I want my children to always be half my age." My buddy quickly replied that it wasn't possible, and ended in a huge argument.

 

I was at a comedy show last year, Harland Williams was performing. It was the fisrt time I'd seen his stand up act. After telling a sorta lame joke that bombed he blurted out
"have you ever been yawning and a ***** just fall in your mouth"?
Hand to God, beer flew out of my nose I laughed so hard! By far one of the funniest things I've ever heard anyone say!

Another good one is "Yer mamma's got a fake leg with a real foot" I don't know where I heard it but thats funny to me right there!