First off a little background, Right now Im not officially married but have been living with my fiance and her 2 kids for over 2 years now. The kids see me as their stepdad and I feel that I am. My fiance says Im their stepdad and refers to me as their stepdad. Anyway, now onto my vent. Last night we were sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner and talking about what went on during the day at school with the kids. My 8 year old stepson got into trouble (something my fiance "forgot" to tell me during the day after she found out) anyway, he has a bad habit of mumbling when he knows he did something wrong because either his older sister or my fiance will speak up for him when he does this. I was trying to get him to stop mumbling and tell me what happened, my fiance and I had already said he wasnt going to get into anymore trouble (she had already delegated punishment for this, no biggie I usually trust her judgement on the issue), but he kept mumbling and I kept telling him to speak up. Well, mom stepped up and said what he was trying to say and then asked to drop it. Me being the reserved one just stopped ate and went on about my business as I wasnt about to discuss at the table in front of the kids what I was thinking at the time which is, she totally disrespected me by not allowing me to act in a fatherly manner and make him do what I asked. I also wanted to tell her that she's setting him up for failure because she wont be there all the time to speak up for him throughtout life. I understand he is 8 and he's just a kid, but Im trying to get him to start becoming accountable for what he does. Am I just picking a fight or do I have a legitamate arguement here....

 

Seems pretty legit to me. She should be sleeping on the couch tonight eh?

 

lol, I should have put my foot down on the Romo situation

 

From your perspective, sounds as if you are correct, but Dinty, I also think that you need to make it legal for you to really have a say. The way you described the situation, everyone would probably benefit from you really being their father. Just my 2 cents. They would probably feel much more secure if you went as far as adopting them, but i realize, there may be child support to consider.

 

I would say you were right but...

It seems to me you guys are just playing house. It isn't exactly the way to cement yourself as a father figure.

If you have been engaged for 2 years and not married what is the problem? The kids as they get older are going to pick up on this non-permanent arrangement you have set up and behave accordingly.

I agree with waiting until the kids aren't around to discuss your feelings and she should back you up but there are bigger issues to deal with IMO.

 

I agree with you! A kid needs to have the father looking out for the kid. And sometimes tough love is whats needed. The kid needs to know there are consequences for your actions.

 

ok, back up a bit...all good advice. I have only known them for a little over 2 years. we have only been engaged for 1 and will be married oct 20th of this year. I understand they know Im not married to their mom, but they dont seem to care about that right now. Also, I would never be able to adopt them Blue, as their dad is around and hates my guts and wouldnt allow me to have the honor and privilage of doing that. I just think that she's spent way to many days and nights trying to protect them from their real dad that she wont open up and let me come in and be the father figure around our house.

 

I'm with you 100%. These kids need a father figure around and if you're in that role, you should be treated as such. Her actions go completely against good parenting.

 

This is something that needs to get ironed out before you get married or it will become a bigger problem in the marriage. You need to sit down and discuss the feelings and ideas quietly and privately, reach an understanding of how you both want to rear the kids. If you are to be a father to them, then you must be allowed to do the things a good father does.

 

Let me apply 28 years of parenting here (empty nest in 6 months )
Family mealtime together is important. (Sharing, talking etc...)
Everyone should come to the table knowing it's going to be positive and upbeat.
If there is a downer issue, table it (pun intended) until later or before.
If an issue is revealed at the dinner table, addressing it later gives the adults a chance to compare notes, discuss their respective position and present a united front.
If everyone understands that the dinner table is a 'safe house' then the kids will still eat with you when they are teenagers.

 

They're going to walk over you forever until you make it known you mean business as far as discipline is concerned to your fiance. She needs to understand that. You're actions should remain consistent. My son was a mumbler at that age too, but he is 9 1/2 now and knows he has to speak up when asked to by his parents. You did the right thing, but your fiance needs to know your intentions.

 

Good advice. They don't need stress around a meal.

Hey Raoul, the empty nest is wonderful.

 

Great advice....seems dinner time is a hard thing to pull off these days...

Dinty....she either needs to allow you to parent or not but she can't change it depending upon her mood. It is bad for the kids.

 

This sounds like the wife to be is maybe affraid of the kids getting disaplined and running back to the father and complaining. Your in a tight situation.

 

thanks guys for all the advice. Raoul, I wasnt going to punish him or start any kind of arguement, I just wanted him to tell me in clear understanding voice what he did. I never raised my voice or demnded anything. I agree that dinner time should be a fun time, but I wasnt attacking him by making him tell me what he did. WE usually sit down and talk about our day and laugh and stuff, and the kids know they can come talk to us about any of their problems or what they are feeling. It just made me realize that she's holding him back all the time by babying him and speakign up for him.