Thanks for everyone's thoughts and opinions on this. I just wanted to take a minute to give an update on the situation and to answer some questions that have been asked.

She hasn't left yet, but it sounds like it will happen sometime this week. I have suggested at least a couple of times that we should give counseling a try before she decides to leave, but she doesn't seem to want any part of that...it appears that her mind is made up and she is going to leave for awhile and we'll try counseling if/when she comes back. This probably bothers me more than just about anything else, because it seems like counseling is a logical step to take BEFORE doing something drastic like moving away for awhile. My son is only two and a half months old...I've seen and really enjoyed how much he has changed and developed in just the last month and it will be very upsetting to me to miss seeing that and to miss building a father-son relationship with him during the next couple of weeks or months, especially when there are other options that we could try first (counseling) that might work. But I guess I am supposed to be okay with that.

A little background...I'm 29 years old, come from a solid family, have never had any sort of run in with the cops (my record is totally clean...not even a speeding ticket), have a college degree, make good money ($75K a year), work 40 hours a week, own my own house in a nice neighborhood, drive a nice 02 S-crew and have never laid a finger on my child or my fiance...heck, I've never even really raised my voice. No drug or alcohol problems either. I work from home two days a week, so that she can work during those two days while I watch our son. She is 28 years old, quit school and moved in with me last March (before she was pregnant) and is now working at a credit union for 20 hours a week (probably around $10/hour, but I'm not sure of the exact number). I pay the house payments and all of the utilities, along with my truck payment, every month. I also buy most of the groceries and most of the things that our son needs. If we ever go anywhere, I drive and pay for the gas 99% of the time. If we ever need anything for the house or yard, that comes out of my checkbook. She pays her car payments and her student loans and occasionally buys some groceries. Whenever we go shopping together for food, baby stuff, etc, it almost always comes out of my pocket. Both of us would make good parents. The only thing working against me is my lack of breasts.

is there any chance the child is not your's?
I'm sure it's mine.

does he have your last name?
Yes, he has my last name and I'm listed as his father on his birth certificate.

are you old enough and mature enough to raise a son on your own?
I think so.

do you have a better job then her?
Yes...far better.

are you willing to stay at your current residence rather then leave the state?
I intend to stay where I am right now. I am pretty sure that I would have a difficult time finding a decent job in a small town in northwestern Montana in my field (software engineering). I have worked hard to get where I am today to get the kind of job I want with the kind of pay and benefits I want for a comfortable living and to be able to give my child everything he needs as he grows up, so I would have a difficult time just walking away from that.

 

ChezHead, please do keep us updated. I would like to know what the outcome is.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice since I've never been through anything like this. I've been dating the same guy for the last 4 years and we don't have any children (IMO, I think we're still wanting to be young and waste money on fast toys).

I guess the only thing I can say is keep your head up. You are a much better person for wanting to be a part of your childs life. There are many men (not bashing) who want nothing to do with their children. You should feel good in knowing you're not one of those men.

Good Luck!

 

I can't emphasize how imperative it is that you file custody papers before she leaves.....

Don't expect things to be amiable, it will get ugly, one way or the other. Please take my advice and file immediately. She will not be able to leave the state until a custody arrangement is agreed upon. If she is wanting to leave, she will most likely agree to something that is more agreeable to you.

Be prepared to pay for her attorney fees also, judging from her income, or lack thereof, she will be "financially unable to defend hereself". Dont expect any leniency from the courts, especially since you are a productive citizen in your town.

Child support for 1 kid at $75k is going to be about +/- $900/mo. Is that what you are willing to pay? Soon after she leaves the potential for you being a part of that child's life drops exponentially. In addittion that $900/mo will be paying for her new car and beer money, while Grandma babysits your son.

I hate to be so emphatic, but I hate to see another responsible man get screwed by a system thats stacked against him. And trust me IT IS stacked against you by all the manhaters in the court-system and Child Support Enforcement Division.

If you file papers now and get a custody arrangment where there will be shared custody, you will still get to be a part of your son's life and the child-support will not be as large of a burden. Child support goes is listed as debt on your credit report. Means you lose buying power and NO judge will give a rats ***.

Think it through, when it comes to your kid, the gloves need to come off.

 

Again, just my opinion, but from reading your last post you are in a real good position of getting custody.

Question, if you were to get custody would your family be able to assist you at all? Watching the baby while you work. That is something any judge, any good judge would ask and most likely want something in writing or even better that particular family member in court to tell the judge they can assist with no problem.

In other words for such a young child any court is going to want to make damn sure there is a support network to help raise the child. As sad as it may seem, it seems courts would be more willing to let the mother go on welfare, soak the father for money and consider that in the best interest of the child (stay home mom with no obligations)

Again, just my opinion, and please don’t take me wrong because I do not know the situation or your girlfriend but from what you describe it sounds like a real good situation for her to take major advantage of you especially financially since you make good money.

It really sounds like to me you have two choices you are going to have to make QUICKLY, both are going to require a lawyer. One, to make arrangements now for child support and other things you will be legally obligated with and before she leaves to get it to court where the court can assume jurisdiction of all matters involved between you and your girlfriend.

If you can get the courts where you live to get jurisdiction of this custody then she will not be able to go out of state and have another court change any agreements. In other words you might make an agreement for child support now and when she leaves she could go to court and have it changed and have her home court gain jurisdiction which would mean anytime you had to do something legally you would have to travel to her home state and have a lawyer who can practice in that state. Not good and much more costly.

Second option is to try and outright get custody of the child. That might be tougher, especially with her wanting to leave so soon but its not impossible and as someone else had stated if you get something started now they “may” prevent her from leaving the state, or at least taking the child out of state. Again only a lawyer could give you specifics on that.

Bottom line is you need to get a hold of a lawyer TOMORROW and find out what your options are. Once she leaves it will be extremely hard and most likely you will have to travel to her home state for all legal matters.

 

As a father of two young children (now 11 months and 2.5 years), I can't imagine the anguish you are going through. Watching your child grow is one of life's greatest joys. PLEASE PLEASE get your rights protected ASAP - BEFORE she leaves the state.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but IMO, she has already made up her mind to leave. Her promises to consider therapy/working it out later sounds like an attempt to appease you until she leaves.

Maybe there are some things you can do or say to stall her from leaving. In time, she may change her mind (women's prerogative) and decid to stay. Offer to have her mother move in with you for a while... anything!

As a last note, caring for a newborn is TOUGH and it sounds like your fiance is not handling it well. Baby blues, all that stuff can be very real, and a new baby puts a huge strain on a relationship, even if you are both on the same page 100% of the time. Perhaps in time, as the baby grows, she will be able to deal with parenthood and your relationship a little better. IMO, she owes it to you and the baby to stay put and try. At least for a year or so - things with the baby are much easier by then and maybe she will be more rational in time.

 

The courts will most likely assigne a gaurdian ad lei tm (sp) for your child to make sure that the interests of the baby are protected. Secondly go right now and file. Your girlfriend is stalling you until she gets out and away from you as someone previously stated. If she wanted to work this out she would at the very least agree to stay and go to counseling. Last thing to think about if she moves away is there someone else she maybe interested in and that why she is moving away? Do you really want some other guy raising your child. I hope things work out for you and her, but do not let her leave until you file. You are obviously educated and in love with her but the one thing that concerns me is your lack of protecting your rights to see your and be a part of your childs life. In your last post you seem to be more concerned about holding on to her (who does not want to be with you and is not concerned about your rights to your child) than in being a father to your son. I dont mean to be harsh but take it from someone who has watched others go through this.

You will regret not getting a lawyer and getting your rights ortected to be a part of your sons life if you dont.

 

I agree with many of the posts here. You must protect your rights while your son is still in the same town/state as you. Her lack of interest in getting help only serves to make me more suspicious of her motives for leaving the state so quickly. She has tried to stall you by saying she may be interested in getting help, but later, after the move.
I have an acquaintance that just did the same thing. He is a lawyer, and filed suit immediately to stop his wife from moving with their son. A similar situation, she wanted some space and said she would probably return after getting her life squared away. The court ruled she must stay within a certain mileage of their original home till the suit was settled. The suit has finally been settled, and she can not move the child away till he's out of high school without ex-husband (now) and court permission.

BTW, she ended up marrying a guy that lived in the state she was moving to, now she lives here with the first husband's child, and the new husband commutes to visit her on weekends.

File now, no harm done, just protecting your rights.

 

One thing that the courts will consider when trying to figure out custody is what the baby eats. Is that baby breast fed, bottle fed or combination? If the baby is 100% breast fed they may keep the child with the mother even if you are more fit (at least until the baby is weened & depending on how hard you try it could take a while for that).

 

Just wanted to give you guys a short update on this situation I told you about a couple of days ago. It sounds like she is leaving tomorrow with my son. I have talked to a couple of attorneys who practice family law in my city. The first said that since we are not married, I am really out of luck in this situation, as long as she is being a good mother...maybe Minnesota has different laws regarding this kind of stuff than other states do, I don't know. However, she did say that if any sort of custody and visitation paperwork is filed during the next six months, by law, that must happen here in MN. That was somewhat reassuring to hear. I was told that it really wasn't worth my time, money or possible consequences of trying to pursue anything right now...I just have to take it like a man, I guess...literally.

The second attorney said that he might be able to do something to prevent her from leaving, but that he would need $2500 up front, just to get the ball rolling. I can't put a price tag on my son's life and his relationship with me, as it is worth far more than $2500, but given what I know now (about where all paperwork needs to be filed, etc), I think it's in my best interest to wait this one out. I can see where pursuing anything with this guy could just backfire and blow up in my face. Even if she decides that it's over, she has to come back to pick up her belongings and if any paperwork is to be filed, it has to be done here.

Honestly, it absolutely kills me to say this, but it really appears that I don't have any legitimate options right now to prevent this from happening, even though I honestly believe that what my fiance has chosen to do is not in my son's best interest or the best interest of my relationship with him. You just can't replace the time she is choosing to take away from me and my son, especially when he is so young and taking in so much...if he's gone for long at all, I'm truly afraid that I'll just be another face when he returns, and that's pretty tough to think about. That would weigh so heavily on my consience as a parent, and I honestly don't know how she can live with that. If I told her that I was going to take him away for awhile, I know that I would find myself in court, but that's something she doesn't have to worry about, if she wants to take him...you truly don't realize how biased and unfair "the system" really is until your subjected to it. What ever happened to equal protection under the law?

 

Biggest mistake in your life will be to let her walk without a fight....

Cough up the $$$ and take charge of the situation. Part of being a man means fighting when you can and walking away when you have to, you've thrown in the towel before the first round even started. You were given sound advice by many in this forum who have gone through the exact same thing you have.

As stated previously, if you have a guardien-ad-litem investigating your child-custody case, your "fiance" would be unable to leave until the investigation and custody ruling had finished. But your going to do what your going to do.

I'm sorry for you child, no whining now.....

 

unfortunately for you she does not have to be in mn to file for child support.
congrats you just became a non custodial father paying at least 17% of his wages to some worthless non working tramp who decided to retire early on your paycheck.
i'm sure her next boyfriend will appreciate the new car you buy him though.



DOES THIS SOUND TOO HARSH. dude you blew it big time. if she's not over the state line there may still be some time but not much. if you don't stop her you will never have a relationship with your son, and you will be out a good chunk of money for the next 18 years.
any lawyer who said you have no rights should be disbarred. yes it's expensive mine cost almost 6 grand, big deal. you'd pay that for a truck but not for your kid?

not trying to beat up on you but i do want you to realize how very very serious this is. you are making a decision that will have very severe impacts on three lives, possibly more. on a whim of oh $2500 is pretty pricey?

good luck with whatever you decide. it is your decision after all. although i can't tell you how much it means to me to look over at my son's pictures on the wall of my office and think of not being a part of that.