I've been a long time reader of these message boards, and an occasional poster. I've just run into a personal situation and was hoping that I might get some advice, if any of you have ever been through anything like this too.

My fiance and I had a child in December and are/were planning to get married next summer ('05). We've had a couple of disagreements/misunderstandings lately...nothing I thought was a deal-breaker, but perhaps I was wrong. I got the "we need to talk about things" talk tonight. She told me that she isn't happy right now, so she is going to take our son and move back to her parents' home for awhile "to assess her life" and decide if she wants to continue to pursue a relationship...she wasn't sure how long "awhile" would be. It could be a few weeks, or it could be for the rest of her life, if that is what she decides. She is originally from NW Montana and I am from SE Minnesota (where we are currently living), so needless to say, her moving to NW Montana (1300 miles away) with our son will make it rather difficult for me to ever see him. He is only two and a half months old, but I've already become more attached to him than anything else in this world, and I can't imagine my life without him...the thought of losing him is a pretty tough pill to swallow right now.

My question is, since we aren't married, what sort of legal rights do I have with regard to custody? She told me that since we aren't married, she has sole custody of our son and that she can basically do whatever she wants. I am not familiar with child custody laws at all, so I am hoping someone might be able to share the basics. I really don't want to get into a big legal battle, but I am his father, and I guess I'll do whatever I can to make sure he grows up knowing his dad, if that's what it comes down to. Thanks to anyone who might be able to help.

 

I hate to hear that, that sounds like a bad deal. Talk to a lawyer asap, then you will find out your legal options. My daughter was just born in December, too, and I am not with the mother, but if she tried anything like that, I'd sue her for everything that I could sue her for. My baby momma better not try that crap, that's just wrong. IMO, you have just as much right to that baby as she does. It takes two, you're the father.

 

I deal with situations similar to yours alot. If Flroida if your listed as the father on the birth certificate and you are living together you both have custody. Your best bet is to talk with an attorney to figure out your rights in your state. Since she is saying this could be temporary, do you really want to make things ugly. I would wait until things are settled down a little before attempting to get any custody/vistations. If after a couple months she still does not want to come back then I would go for some kind of visitations/custody. These fights are normally not very pretty.

DISCLAIMER:
This is just my opinion and should not be construed to be legal advise.

 

1depd,

Thanks for the advice. As you suggested, I do not plan on pursuing anything legally until I know for sure that she has no plans of coming back, because I don't want things to get ugly, unless that's the only option. I am listed as my son's father on his birth certificate, so if we both have custody as you say, is it within her rights to just take my son and move away for awhile? I've been supporting both my fiance (since she moved in a year ago) and and my son (since he was born) financially (I pay all of the bills, etc), and while I'm not a lawyer, I just can't believe that it is okay for her to do this.

I also can't believe that she thinks that I'm not going to have a problem with her taking my son away until she makes up her mind. She would absolutely lose it if I told her I was going to take him for a couple of days, yet, I guess I'm supposed to have no problem with a month or more. How do you have faith in the future in someone who just runs away like that? She says we'll get counseling if she decides to return...isn't that something you do before walking away from someone??? If I was in her shoes, and if I wanted it to work out, I would seek counseling before just packing up and leaving for awhile. She doesn't want to do that, and that makes me think that she probably isn't going to come back.

Anyway, while she is gone, I'm definitely going to get some legal advice, just so I am prepared, if that is what it comes down to. I pray it doesn't come down to that, but if it does, I would like to be able to put up a good fight.

 

In my opinion get a lawyer tomorrow!
Talk to them find out what yer options. Once she takes the kid outta state yer gonna be screwed!

 

seek consoling first for the 2 of you...It sounds that she is having difficulty adjusting to the change in her life due to the baby and she is wanting to regress by returning home.... she may be suffering from seperation angxity or just not emotionally mature enough to handle not being the center of attention anymore (why she,s wanting to go back home)...you may want to talk to her parents about it so they have an idea as to what your feelings are. Good luck (lord I reread this and it sounds like Dear Abby)

 

pickup man?????? My baby momma

 

Like many here have said you really need to talk to a lawyer since none of us know the “complete” situation.

There is really no way for you to get the kind of advice you need. We don’t know all aspects to her life or your life. For all we could know she is in to drugs, or you are abusive etc. All those are big factors in a child custody situation.

Now I am no lawyer and I don’t want this to come across as this is fact however from seeing many situations like this I feel as though I can pass on what I believe is the basic outcome. Might not be right, but just my prospective.

First, most courts are going to look at the fact this is a baby. A very young baby. Second you say she went home which means there is more support (family) for bringing up the baby. That being said and just the fact it’s a baby and not a 14 year old child you can just about bet the court will side with the mother. Is that fair? It is debatable but if you can say that she is a good mother, doesn’t do drugs, not an alcoholic etc then the odds are in her favor.

There are two different issues with children regarding the law. One is legal custody and the other is custodial rights. Unless you have a real history with the police for abuse etc then there should be no reason that you can not share legal custody of the child, in other words you are still a part of her life for decisions, visitations etc.

The other part is actual custodial rights as in who will have the “legal” right to have the child in their possession. This is where they may come down on the mother’s side because that’s what history shows.

So in other words you both have legal custody rights to the child 50/50 but the mother has legal custodial rights where she is the primary parent and you are the parent with visitation rights.

These are things a lawyer would explain much better then I can and there are other issues, financial issues you need to address as well which really only a lawyer can help you with. You are legally required in some form to pay child support payments. The courts usually use a really screwed up way of calculating that were it screws the man pretty good. This is something you need to see a lawyer about as well.

You need to plan ahead and see if you can make arrangements with the mother for what you two feel is a fair and just amount of money for support, and any other bills that will need to be tended to. Then you need a lawyer to review that and the court will have to approve that.

There are also taxes, the custodial parent (your girlfriend) currently has sole right to the child as a tax credit. May not seem like much to you but it can add up. That again is something you need to speak with a lawyer with. Usually as long as you’re making child support payments you should be entitled to have that tax right every other year.

Right now you are dealing with the “feelings” side. I can completely understand. I was in a situation somewhat like yours a good while back.

So listen to me when I say “feelings” are one thing, but you have got to PROTECT your *** first and your child’s which means you have got to look at the big picture and at the very least speak with a lawyer.

Personally, I wouldn’t think about going for custody at the moment. I could be wrong, but I feel I am right in saying that some lawyers will tell you “Sure go ahead” especially if they think you have money. They will suck up every penny you have, we are talking thousands of dollars, put you, and the girlfriend through the mud and 9 times out of 10 you don’t get custody and lose all that money.

You want to think about protecting “YOUR” financial future as well as your child’s and maintain as best a relationship as you can with your girlfriend. That is what is BEST for you child. Don’t think child custody right now, think legal agreements to child support payments, medical and dental if needed, and how MUCH time can you have with your child in visitation.

 

Sounds like you need to talk to your wife. Not a lawyer.

If she does decide to stay 1300 miles away are planning on moving there too, I hope.

 

in Texas, (based on gross salary)
20% for 1st child
25% for second
30% for third

with a cap of $65,000 (gross) so 1 child could cost up to $1100 a month. In Texas, if the child is not in school, the the mother can get up to 3 years of temporary support ($2500 a month max).
so basically if you make more than $65,000 the law is on your side.
if you have been paying here money with nobody requiring you to that will look great in court, if you have been behaving your self and giving her the benefit of the doubt, that is good also. how far away does she live? in a standard divorce you would get the child 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends, 2 weeks in summer, every Wenesday night, and every other holiday and birthday.

if she is not letting you take the bady overnight, i would start looking for a lawyer, she is done and not coming back.
there has to be a benefit with you filling first and showing she is not letting you see the child, there is also a big issue over where it is filed

 

Dont know if this helps or not but before I was married to my wife we had a child ( Jacob.. thats how I got my knick name for this site
he is just learning to talk and was calling me Jdaddy). Anyway I got a lawyer as soon as he was born and started paying child support in case somthing like your situation happened I knew I would not get hit with back child support even though we were liiving togther. This gave me some recourse as to if my now wife dedcided that she wanted to move away I could prove to the courts that I was not a dead beat dad. This was the advice of my lawyer and thankfully it turned out well for me. I would get a lawyer as the longer you wait the harder it will be to get your rights as a father. You have to decide what is the most important thing to you. For me it was making sure if it did not work out I still could see my son. By doing this and having my name on the Birth certificate (please make sure your listed on the birth certificate) she could not legally move more than 30 miles away from me. You have equal rights and the getting a lawyer is the only move you have. Rember she is moving 1300 miles away from you with your son. I hope things work out for you but dont wait! Please get a lawyer she is forcing your hand and does not seem to be worried if this will negatively affect your life or your sons.

 

Ok,

Speaking from experience here, slap custody papers one her BEFORE she leaves. If you have a custody battle started she will not be allow to leave the state, until it is resolved. If you can fight the custody battle in your own town, you will be fighting on your turf, not hers. The minute she moves to mommy's house, your edge in fighting is done. GET AN ATTORNEY and spring papers on her, NOBODY wins, both will walk away massage their backside.

Don't be surprised if she bolts when your not around, DO NOT waste time. I lost my son to a cheating ex-wife that bolted in the middle of the night 6 years ago. I was not able to get her served with papers in time. Took 2 years to get a divorce because she was with parents in parent's state.

Play the game on your turf, and she will be more likely to be flexible, because she will want to go home.

Either way you will lose, kids are a meal-card for some women. You will still have to worry bout dealing with Child Support f'ers later on.

Ultimately your best bet would be to attempt to smooth things over and convince her to stay long enough to spring custody papers.

Good luck man, it really sucks to be there...

 

will reiterate what was just said. this also from experience.

GET PAPERS NOW!!!!!!!!

in wis it has to be filed in county of birth. right now "custody" is equal for both of you.
you have just as many rights as her. if you let her leave the state with him you will never see him again, but you will see the child support bill coming as soon as she gets to her parents house. her mom will ensure that.

is there any chance the child is not your's?
does he have your last name?
are you old enough and mature enough to raise a son on your own?
do you have a better job then her?
are you willing to stay at your current residence rather then leave the state?


these are all questions you need to ask yourself. especially having custody. not that you just want him in order to get her back in your life. sorry if that hurts your feelings but many people use kids that way.

by law i have 100% custody of my son, it took time, money, mediators, and atty's fees. worth every dime.

 

One other piece of advice,

Any money you spend on the baby, child support payments, clothes, medical etc make sure, specifically the child support is done with a “check” so you have PROOF that you actually made payments to her for child support. As far as anything else like clothes, medical etc KEEP ALL receipts, canceled checks and bills paid!

If you are giving her cash STOP NOW and do it with a check because she can always deny you ever paid her anything with cash. Don’t depend on family or friends being able to back you up if you have been paying with cash because most likely a judge will not believe that. The judge will want some type of proof OR you might find yourself paying again.

From the things I have seen I would say, like someone else mentioned in a way and that is usually the first one to court, the one that files first is the one calling the shots and on offensive. The one answering the court or being served is playing defense.

When it comes to family courts they really don’t care, or at least rarely care about facts. It’s basically almost about drama in the court room. If she is the type of girl that can “cry on demand” prepare yourself for most judges to “feel sorry” for her UNLESS you’re the first in court pleading your case…

 

`My baby momma` = ghetto talk for `The mother of my baby`