Martha Stewart won't be dining with us...
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From: NorCal
Martha Stewart won't be dining with us...
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you
in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've
made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a
trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming
lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with
the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage my wife had planned to make. Instead
I've gotten the dogs involved in the decorating by having them track in
colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was their idea.
A table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or
crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone
will get a fork. Since this is thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the
plastic Christmas plates and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is
a turkey. (I named it Al Gore.)
We will be dining fashionably late. The dogs will entertain you while you
wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice appetizer I have
made. Please remember that Blazer sometimes forgets to take food gently. If
you loose a finger because you gave him treats when we told you not to, its
your fault. Casper won't bite your fingers off, but if she gets food and
Blazer doesn't, he'll knock you over and then take the food out of your
clenched hand while you lie there in shock.
As accompaniment to Blazer's begging/moofing for food, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If anyone should mention that I don't own a
recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We
toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of
our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also
decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the Blazer starts
"moofing," please find a spot on the floor since we don't own a table yet,
and sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the dogs to lay near you and not us.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at
our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter
the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send Blazer to check on my progress. I
have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. stands to reason that I will
eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that "passing the rolls"
is not a football play. Casper is quicker than all of us and will ****** the
roll in midair. Then Blazer will start begging for some bread. If you know
him like I do, I wouldn't suggest it (reread the above). Also, this isn't a
request to do the opposite and bean Blazer or Casper in the head with warm
tasty bread. One other reminder: For the duration of the meal, and
especially while in the presence of the Dogs, we will refer to the giblets
by its lesser-known name "Cookies". If they beg you for the "cookies", give
it to them AFTER you have finished. I don't like them and would rather the
giblets never get put in the refrigerator at the end of the day. YECH! How
could anyone eat that stuff.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and my
fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably
won't come next year either. I am thankful.
Thanks in advance,
George, Laurie, Blazer, Casper & Red L#4033
in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've
made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a
trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming
lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with
the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage my wife had planned to make. Instead
I've gotten the dogs involved in the decorating by having them track in
colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was their idea.
A table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or
crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone
will get a fork. Since this is thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the
plastic Christmas plates and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is
a turkey. (I named it Al Gore.)
We will be dining fashionably late. The dogs will entertain you while you
wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice appetizer I have
made. Please remember that Blazer sometimes forgets to take food gently. If
you loose a finger because you gave him treats when we told you not to, its
your fault. Casper won't bite your fingers off, but if she gets food and
Blazer doesn't, he'll knock you over and then take the food out of your
clenched hand while you lie there in shock.
As accompaniment to Blazer's begging/moofing for food, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If anyone should mention that I don't own a
recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We
toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of
our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also
decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the Blazer starts
"moofing," please find a spot on the floor since we don't own a table yet,
and sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the dogs to lay near you and not us.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at
our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter
the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send Blazer to check on my progress. I
have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. stands to reason that I will
eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that "passing the rolls"
is not a football play. Casper is quicker than all of us and will ****** the
roll in midair. Then Blazer will start begging for some bread. If you know
him like I do, I wouldn't suggest it (reread the above). Also, this isn't a
request to do the opposite and bean Blazer or Casper in the head with warm
tasty bread. One other reminder: For the duration of the meal, and
especially while in the presence of the Dogs, we will refer to the giblets
by its lesser-known name "Cookies". If they beg you for the "cookies", give
it to them AFTER you have finished. I don't like them and would rather the
giblets never get put in the refrigerator at the end of the day. YECH! How
could anyone eat that stuff.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and my
fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably
won't come next year either. I am thankful.
Thanks in advance,
George, Laurie, Blazer, Casper & Red L#4033
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 4,402
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From: On the side of the Road attempting to explain 135 miles per hour
George,
ROFLAMO
"The turkey is unarmed. stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat."
Truly a classic!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Robert
ROFLAMO
"The turkey is unarmed. stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat."
Truly a classic!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Robert
