here officer, have an Altoid... you need it.

 

License?...Its on the back of the car man!

 

"To tell you the truth, officer, I didn't think you could catch me."

 

Here's a joke from the Rocky Mountain Oil & Gas Journal:
"What Horse"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey....wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer, I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police offers to even think about calling you a horses' ***."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

An Arkansas man in his 50's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

"I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer." (OK in Texas)

"Are You Andy or Barney?"

"I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer"

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

I was trying to keep up with traffic.Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay,just so one of us does.

Bad cop! No donut!

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist, aren't you?

I'm surprised you stopped me! Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

On the way to the station, what's say we pick us up a six pack?

You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . you wuss!

Come on write the dang ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't that your daughter on Second Avenue ?

How long is this going to take? Your girlfriend is expecting me.

I found these, I didnt come up with them!

 

heard this one on the radio a while back...


A guy is having the time of his life at a bar. Pretty soon the guys decides its time to leave. He knows this super sweet, hottie wants to bed him that night. So the two head out to the car and proceed home. Cop pulls them over. "son, you've been drinking tonight, haven't you". How could you tell officer? Was I weaving or driving erractically? What gave it away?"

"Well, the fat, ugly pig beside you was my first clue"




Nasty, but true.

 

ok jryager that kinda reminds me of one I heard a while back.
An old farmer was out riding his horse to town one day, it was incrediablly hot out and the horse was suffering. Well he came to a pond and decided to leave the horse there and hitchhike the rest of the way to town. He got the first person that went by to stop, they restarted the trip and the car climed in speed, faster, and faster. The old farmer asked "why you goin' so fast" the man replied "well the faster I go the colder the a/c gets". so they finished the trip to town and the farmer was dropped off at his horse. He saddled the horse and rode like the wind. Well in about 20 minutes the horse dropped dead. A cop just happedned to see everything and went up to the farmer and asked "what happened" the farmer replied "I don't know...he must have froze to death".

 

"Oh no! Not another breathalizer test?"

 

I swear theres no blood in my alcohol stream.

 

You could hardly call that a race. I mean, really, I was kicking that guys butt!

 

hows your wife doing? have not seen her in days