Here is a little southern humor, just to show that I'm not partial to the northern or southern states, to keep a person from crying anymore. Now please understand, these are just jokes and only jokes, just for everyone to get a good laugh.

"APPLICATION TO BE A REDNECK

Name:_____________________________
Nickname:________________________________
CB Handle:______________________________
Address (RFD No.)_____________--_________________________
Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________________________
Mamma:___________________________________
Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________
Name of Pickup owned:________________________
Height of Truck________________
Truck equipped with:
Gun Rack ______4-Wheel Drive ______Confederate Flag _______
Cassette Deck ______Load of Wood ______Hijacker Shocks _______Radar Detector ______
Mag Wheels ______Dual CB Antennas _______Spittoon ______Camper Top ______
Air Horns _______Mud Flaps ______Toothpick Holder ______Mug-Grip Tires _______
Racoon Hide ______Big Dog

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________

BUMPER STICKERS:
Eat More Possum _____My other car is a piece of **** too _____Honk if you're horny _____
If you ain't a cowboy you ain't **** _____Redman Chewing Tobacco _____Wave if you're horny ___

Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins ?. Pinto Beans 8. ****-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin' Fry 19. Shonuf ?. Sidemeat 10.Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:
Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation
Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin'____
4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____
Noodlin' ____Other
Name of son(s):
Bubba _______Jim Bob _______LeeRoy ______J.D.
Name of Daughter(s):
PammySue ______Violet ______Paulette _____Daisy
Weapons owned: _____Deer Rifle _____Sawed-off Shotgun _____Varmit Rifle _____Log Cabin _____Tire Iron _____Power Chain Saw _____Pick Handle _____Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:_____ Type:_____Blue Tick ______Black & Tan _______Beagle _______Bird Dawg >
Cap Emblem: _____John Deer _____McCullock Chain Saws _____Budweiser _____Vo-Tech _____Skoal _____Coors _____NAPA _____Smile If You're Not Wearing Underwear

Number of Dependants: _______Legal _______Claimed

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________

Memberships:

KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___ United Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society

Length of Right Leg:__________
Length of Left Leg:___________
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?Yes ___No___
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________
Do you own any shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow
Do you know her name? _____________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________
If so, why?______________________________________________ _________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?___________________ To 21 with your fly up?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
BO ____Crabs ____Head Lice _____Rabies ____Trench Mouth _____Runny Nose _____Bad Breath ____Chafing

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY BE STILL QUALIFY TO ATTEND AUBURN UNIVERSITY. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER."


"REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear"

 

Man, I'm glad some people know how to take a harmless little joke. Especially one that is intended to let everyone have a little laugh.

 

Me too! hehehehehehehehe

------------------
'98 White Lariat

WustaMass, Where we pahk ar cahs!

 

LOL!

 

ok so i copied it all down on my napkin and filled it out
so where do i send it?
.
.
.


------------------
1999 F-150 Supercab Styleside Lariat 5.4L V8 3.55LS gears
Tan Leather Seats Front/Back
Captain Chairs in front
Tan Leather Wrapped Steering Wheel
Remote Entry
Signal Mirrors

Navigator Front End
Factory 2tone Red on top of Gold
Metallic Flake Ghost Flames in the gold
18inch Wheels
Lowered 2/3
Rhino Bedliner
Euro "Atezza" Tail Lights

Stock CD player
Rockford Fosgate Punch 250a Amplifier
2 RF Punch DXL 8inch Subwoofers
2 Kenwood Midranges (in the front doors)

K&N "Drop In" Filter
Flowmasters

Within the next Month: Superchip, 3/4 drop (already got the money just need to order them)

By my 17th birthday (March 23rd): White Face Guages, HOPEFULLY A SUPERCHARGER PACKAGE

Some Quick Photos
www.geocities.com/thepyromaniackid

Things That Have Gone Wrong So Far:
Burnt Anti-Freeze Smell
The Anti-Freeze seems to leaking but the fluid level hasn't gone done any
This has Caused a Coil to go out
The passenger side Door-Lock went out
The driver side Door-Lock went out
Muth Signal Mirrors Reflective Backing Cracked All To Hell

Fixed under warranty: Coil, Passenger Side Door-Lock
Will be Fixed under warranty: Driver Side Door-Lock, Muth Signal Mirrors
(Wonder what the Ford House will say when I show up with a Lincoln Truck for warranty work)

Can't FInd The Anti-Freeze Leak (?)
Tried putting in AlumniSeal and hasn't got hot enough to see if it still has the
Burnt Anit-Freeze Smell

 

Has anyone noticed, that I95 hasn't had the nerve to make any post on this thread, or is it just me. I guess he doesn't have much to say, since I can joke around about the Southern people also.
Oh, sending it in to the right place is the hard part, I couldn't figure out where to send it either.

 

I always laugh at the Application one everytime, that is until I get to the "Truck Equiped with" part. All I can do is just mutter "d@mn" under my breath and remember the time I bought a topple-less spitoon, the beer cans in the bed, the tires, the CD ant's, etc. Aint it great? lol

 

Well it is official I AM A REDNECK

lol

jim

------------------
97 4x4 ORP 4.6l
flareside supercab
rear blackouts
westin step bars(black)
side window louvers
lund shadow wiper cowel
true duals 5 in tips
k&n F.I.P.K
17in' wheels 265/70 Bridgestone dueler A/T's
ventshades
tinted windows 5%

www.f150world.com/southernthunder

 

If you can fill it out and mail it, you probably won't qualify.

Reminds me of the Jeff Foxworth joke about the definition of the word "sensuous".

"I told my wife sensuous up to get me a beer."

[This message has been edited by signmaster (edited 02-04-2001).]

 

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
7.You've ever used lard in bed.
8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
29.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
30.Fewer than half of your cars run.
31.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32.The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
34.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
35.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
36.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
37.You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
38.Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
39.Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
40.Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
41.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
43.You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
44.You're an expert on worm beds.
45.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
46.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
47.Your family tree does not fork.
48.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
49.You haul more than U-Haul.
50.Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
51.There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
52.Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
53.Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
54.Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
55.Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
56.The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
57.Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
58.You pick your teeth from a catalog.
59.You've ever financed a tattoo.
60.You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
61.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
62.Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
63.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
64.You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
65.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
66.You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
67.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
68.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
69.You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
70.You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
71.your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
72.You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
73.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
74.None of your shirts cover your stomach.
75.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
76.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
77.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
78.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
79.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
80.Birds are attracted to your beard.
81.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
82.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
83.Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
84.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
85.Bikers back down from your momma.
86.You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
87.Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
88.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
89.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
90.You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
91.You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
92.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
94.You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
95.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they
respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
96.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
97.You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
98.You clean your nails with a stick.
99.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
100.Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
101.People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
103.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
104.You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
105.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
106.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107.You've ever bought a used cap.
108.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
110.Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
111.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
112.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
113.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
114.Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
115.In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
116.Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
117.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118.You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
119.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
120.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
121.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
122.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
123.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
124.Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
125.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
126.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
127.You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
128.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
129.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
130.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
131.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
132.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
133.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
134.Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
135.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
136.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
137.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
138.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
139.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
140.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
141.You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
142.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
143.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
144.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
145.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
146.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
147.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
148.Someone in your family says "***'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
149.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
150.You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
151.You mow your lawn and find a car.
152.You can spit without opening your mouth.
153.Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
154.You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
155.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
156.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
157.You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
158.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
159.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
160.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
161.You've never paid for a haircut.
162.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
163.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
164.You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
165.You've ever made change in the offering plate.
166.The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
167.You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
168.You own at least 20 baseball hats.
169.You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
170.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
171.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
172.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
173.Your screen door has no screen.

O1sl,

Since you created the Yankee Talk Post and found it so amusing, thought I would inject alittle Southern Humour too! I had posted this under Yankee Talk,but, I see you had a need to create yet another stupid topic! So, I might as well join in!

I give you Southerns alot of Credit you all stick together, unlike the Northerns. To bad you were not in the Civil War now, you would have won it!

I guess Im a Northern Redneck too I own a pickup!



[This message has been edited by I95 (edited 02-03-2001).]

 

Seeing how this is a new post I thought I'd jump back in!

It's nice to see I95 quoting a fellow Georgian, Jeff Foxworthy. That guy kills me. He does a great job of taking the stereotypes of his culture and poking fun at them, giving all who listen to, or watch him a good laugh. Gee, kinda like 01sl did when posting the Yankee Talk! thread. Too bad some of us who read it were so narrow minded they had to resort to insults to feel better about themselves.

I can imagine what it must sound like to hear I95 with a Yankee accent telling those redneck jokes! Oh jeez, I almost sprayed beer out my nose all over my KKK membership card and the keys to my Camaro! Which by the way isn't running right now because the tranny's still in the bed of my pickup waiting to be transferred to my bathtub. I'll get to it as soon as mamma's finished watching her stories.

Anyone offended by my comments can reach me at the "Friends of the NRA" banquet tomorrow night. Until then, I'll be busy pawning my shotgun to make a payment on my new tattoo. Three more and this baby's mine!

Feel free to email me with your criticism if you didn't find the humor in this post.


[This message has been edited by onemilmhz (edited 02-04-2001).]

 

Thanks onemilmhz! That was good, I'm laughing so hard, my eyes are watering. You notice how he jumps right into a southern joke and adds to the joke. But when it is about northerns, we are just a bunch of no good, southern racist that barely pay our hired hands. Not to mention, that we live in the past and use a "nautical" flag to display racism. That's funny, I could have sworn that flag was created to show the union of the southern states, could be wrong though.

 

O1sl,

To Bad A Person From the North knows more about your Southern Hertiage than you do! And you call yourself a Southern? Ha Ha. The Conferdate Flag started out as a Nautical Symbol on Ships. The flag became, later a Symbol of the KKK. You can fill in the blanks!!! Before you post, get your facts straight!

 

Excuse me I95, it was a similar flag that was used as a nautical symbol on ships, not the Confederate flag. Also, the flag was used by the Confederate states, way before the KKK adopted it. IF YOU WILL NOTICE, YOU HAVEN'T READ YOUR HISTORY BOOKS VERY WELL. If you will also notice, the KKK tends to use the German **** flag more than the Confederate flag. Also, I might add that some people "Southerners" just like the way the flag looks, so they use it for decoration. But, I guess that would be to hard to believe for a "YANKEE" that thinks he/she knows everything.
I have noticed how you didn't respond to the section of my post about hired hands, I guess you have finally gotten your "FACTS" straight in that area. I have also noticed, that you have no problem adding to a southern joke. Although you can't stand it when someone jokes about your heritage. Get your head out of you ****!!!

 

O1sl,

Sorry, you better reread your text books..it was a Conferdate Flag..As far as the Southerns flying the flag for decoration, why not, its the Jerks down here that fly the Flag and write Go Home Yankees in the year 2001 that gets us Northerns. GET OVER IT ALREADY..WE WON IT!!!

If, you got you head out of your ****..you would see that I posted my comments on the migrant issue under Yankee Talk (Luis)and you are still abusing them CASE CLOSED!!!

P.S. I noticed on the News tonight, they just got a TEXAN (or should I say Southern Gentleman) for burning a cross on a Black Families front lawn. ANY COMMENTS???
I suppose they were looking to toast Marshmallows. And don't I recall from your GREAT STATE OF TEXAS a Southern Gentleman dragging a Black Man behind a pickup until he died (Hope he wasn't using a F-150).

You really have alot to be PROUD OF, WITH THAT SOUTHERN HERTIAGE OF YOURS!