I would agree, except when someone is in divorce situation, it is not possible to be there the majority of the time with your kids like before(at least in some situations). I was raising my daughter right....until the divorce, and the fact that I wasn't there everyday with her anymore really got to her. I've tried having mature discussions with my ex in regards to my daughter but I have better luck sitting here talking to a wall.

I strongly believe that she 'learned' alot from her mother, in regards to lying and using people to her advantage(i.e., playing good parent, bad parent.)

Anyways, I'm going to just give her some time.

I don't plan on turning my back completely on her because I do know that a little girl that age yearns for male attention...to have a male figure in her life, and if her father isn't there....she will go looking elsewhere.

 

Why doesn't he have control? He has joint custody of his daughter so he has 50% reason to make the rules also.. What if it was the other way around and he was giving her all the stuff and the mother didn't want her to have it.. My opinion would be to bring this up with the mother and just tell her that you don't want her having this stuff, or you will keep taking them away..

As for the 12 year old having a cell phone,, HELL NO.. My daughter wouldn't have one at 12. Maybe 15 or 16 but not 12... Especally if she can get on the internet with it.. The phone are alot harder to set up parental control.. The reason being I say that 12 is a bad age for a phone or even unsupervised internet, a freind of the family has a 13 year old daughter, she has full access to the internet.. Did you guys ever hear of " 2 girls 1 cup" Yeah well now this 13 year old does too... And possibly my 9 year old thanks to her.. He has every right to get upset.. She is putting the poor child in the middle, making mommy look good and daddy out to be the monster because he is taking all the fun away.. That's not right.. I would try and talk to her and if that doesn't work I would consider seeing if you could get full custody of her...


James

 

Something important I have learned in parenting along the way is that you often have to pick your battles and always fight the good fight, never in anger. When a 13 year old sees they can make you loose control thru other adults you will never have control. I have had the experience of the other parent trying to use things to be the good guy and using my discipline and moral standards to make me the bad guy. More often than not being the custodial parent usually means doing most of the real grunt work over the long term. Your Ex may be using your predicted response to her advantage when it is you that has the advantage.
Don't fall in a trap and throw away your power.
Eventually she will play her Mother the same way with you.
Be patient.

 

My daughter is from a divorce situation, though I had custody throughout from when my daughter was three. Mine is a very long story but it can be done.

 

If your ex-wife is anything like my 'baby-momma' she will be approving of anything and everything that you don't approve of. Remember, your daughter is 12/13 and she didn't purchase any cell phone plan, laptop/desktop or broadband to access any of this junk. It was all provided by someone else. You probably have a cell, and obviously are into social networking because of this post in the forum. So you and your daughter actually have some interests in common, not necessarily something to argue about.

My dad died about a year ago at age 52, and I'm 28. he left behind a 15 year old daughter too. He left us when I was 8 and moved half way across the country.

Nothing is ever certain, and you should probably swallow your pride and take your daughter shopping.

 

To the OP, you gave up too easy. You basically said fine bye for life kid when you should have more or less ended the day as usual. How come dad's not calling? she says- oh, maybe cuz I'm acting like a idiot (back of mind talk) and basically you play hard to get. Act like it's no big thing, there goes her little plan. Your ex needs to grow up and stop using your 12 year old as a bargaining tool or pawn.

As far as all this 12 yr old needing Prada's, Abercrombie& Finch whatever the f, cell phones to talk and text the friend they are sitting in the backseat of a car with- ya, they do like retards and Ipod this and that, no need for this. Another example of kids growing up too fast. Kids that idolize and mimick the Hollywood primadonna's drives me nuts. And, if your not on board with this- oh your a terrible father. Look at what crap your trying to fight against. Hopefully later in life she'll see this and you guys can laugh about how retarded it is basically offing her dad because he wouldn't hook up with the latest RAZR phone for her- shame on you!

I hear you, believe me OP, keep your head and remember it's better to be right than walked on. She see's you having a great time with your new old lady, she'll want in.

 

First off, I hope everything works out for you. Child rearing can be the most taxing of life's challanges. My mother and father got divorced when I was <1. Did the whole everyother weekend thing for a few years until my mother re-married. A couple years later my step-father adopted my brother and I. He was an airline pilot, so he wasn't alwys around, but he stepped up and put on the step father shoes. He was always the diciplinarian, mainly due to the fact that my mother was not always "there" if you understand. When he was away on trips, I didn't screw around becuase of what I knew would happen when I got home.

I Know your situation does not allow you to be there even that much, but for a long time I HATED him. I wanted him out of my life forever, because he wouldn't let me go the neighbours house where the parents were not home, or he didn't let me watch certain TV shows when I was younger. Like some one else said, I got everything I needed and some of what I wanted. Long story short, I have a better relationship with me "step" father than I do with my mother.

So stick to your guns and be the diciplinairian when you can, do your part, you have to control over what the crazy ex does, but eventually if you put the time and effort in, she will see the light and come back to it.

Good luck.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself, James. I had to take my divorce papers stating that it is a joint conservatorship. Even got into a 'discussion' with a deputy sheriff that works the school security. I have EVERY right that my ex has....the ONLY difference is that my daughter lives with her mother.



Patience. That is the key word. Before I left her yesterday, I told my daughter that it was only a matter of time before her and her mother will lock horns. And when that happens, she will remember my words.....


Amen, Brother. I got custody of my fifteen year old son, from my first wife, when he was about five years old. This year, I had been planning on going to court to get custody of my daughter, which would have been so much easier due to her age. However, that's been put on hold indefinitely.

 

Trust me, Blue, I am doing just that. I learned a long time ago that when you 'let' someone tick you off, you are giving away your power. My ex HATES it when I blow off her futile attempts at getting to me. This is a new situation though, in dealing with my daughter in that way.

As for having a good time, just a couple of weeks ago, my daughter went up with all of us, to the San Antonio riverwalk and mall for the weekend. Stayed in a high end hotel, spent all kinds of money on buying them stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't something that we do all the time but it was a chance for her to see the kind of things we are capable of doing occasionally.

I told her that there is no more of the best of both worlds....I busted her playing her games and it is not going to be tolerated any more. She is a child, not an adult. I reminded her that I didn't allow her mother to take advantage of me anymore, thus the divorce, so why would she expect me to allow her?

I will be here to pick her up, when her mother lets her down and she sees the truth about all that I've been telling her.

Thanks for all the replies, advice, and support.

 

Do you hate your daughter? The problem is not your daughter. You need to agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there is consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they are with at any given time. Although it may be emotionally painful, you need to sit down with your ex and make an affirmative plan that sets aside any differences you may have and focus instead on meeting the needs of your children. It is up to you to act maturely and without selfishness and walking out on your daughter.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/242

 

This is the exact reason why I wouldn't want to go down and talk to anybody at the school.. I would be in deep crap because I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.. You do have every right as your ex with your daughter. If you want to you can go take her out of school and your ex can't say S%$!. Just remember no matter what happens your her father... Her Dad the one that she will turn too if she's in trouble... You sound like you have everything together in your life so she really does look up too you.. She just doesn't know it yet but one day it will hit her in the face.. Trust me when she needs you she will call you.. If a boy does her wrong TRUST ME she will call.. That's when the fun begins..


James

 

You do not have a right to do that. Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your daughter and using your child to get back at your ex is going about this all wrong. Your daughter did not chose this divorce. You and your ex did. You both need to stop sabotaging your childs relationship with the other parent. You need to agree with your ex that you absolutely will not disparage each other to your children. Further, forbid your children to speak disrespectfully about the other parent, even though it may be music to your ears. Then you need to negotiate and agree on how you can best handle such things as handing off the children for visitation, holidays, or events. In the interest of your daughters peace and security, it's up to you to act maturely and without selfishness.

 

I know, I know,.....the resentment that I have towards the ex is not something that I should or want to transfer down to my daughter. :o What can I say? I messed up there when I talked to her yesterday, I admit it. I usually don't talk about the ex, but my daughter has no problems when I pick her up for our visitation weekends.....complaining in one way or another about her mother.

Anyways.....I admit it, Blue....I was wrong about that.

 

i'm sorry i can't give u a good advice in this..
not married not children so i don't know

 

What you just said is articulate, it is intelligent and it is logical. And I really do want you to consider one more thing. And that is, I want you to sit down with everyone and really really really search your heart and try to forgive yourself, your ex and your daughter for everything that has transpired thus far. Post-divorce parenting is fraught with danger, danger that you will inadvertently do damage on top of what the divorce has already done. To help you recognize mistakes you may be making and to avoid mistakes you're prone to make, I have listed some of the biggest and most frequent mistakes those in your situation typically make:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/242

Dr. P.