I have assembled a few general guidelines which you should follow when having food delivered to your house. Here goes.

1. I am not a cook. I do not answer phones. I do not pack the orders. Do not ask me "Is everything in here?". What the **** do you want me to say? "No actually we decided not to give you your chicken chow mein, but everything else is there." Do you think that I sit there and watch to make sure they put everything in there?

2. My paycheck is a function of what you tip me. If I have to drive 8 miles to get to your house, and then wait for 5 minutes while you count your change, I will be pissed when you give me a $0.63 tip. If you have the nerve to give me $19 on a $18.35 order and tell me to keep the change, I will go ape ****. Don't sit there and act like you're doing me a favor by giving me 65 cents. Next time just save your breath and punch me in the face instead. At least then I wouldn't have to walk away wondering if you didn't tip me because you can't afford it or because you're an *******. It's definitely because you're an *******. Which brings me to my next point:

3. If you cannot afford to tip me, then don't ****ing order food. Get off your fat *** and go pick it up yourself. All the time I hear "It's my choice whether I tip you or not." And you know what, you're right. But by the same token, it is my choice whether to leave your front yard intact or not. Remember, you may know where I work, but I know where you live. Not to mention the fact that I work under the table, meaning there is no proof I ever worked there to begin with. Good luck fixing the ruts I put across your garden.

4. Put your goddamn address on your goddamn mailbox. ****ing write it on there with electrical tape for all I care. If I have to drive up and down your street for 15 minutes because you can't spend $3 to put a number on your mailbox, don't bitch at me because your food took too long.

5. Before you order food, figure out where you live. If I ask you whether you are north or south of Purdy, I do not expect to get a response like "Well which way are you coming from?". WTF? Directions are very simple around here. Everything is a ****ing grid. There are no curvy mountain roads to confuse you. Stop being so damn retarded.

6. No, I am not Chinese. Get over it.

7. If you live in a gated community, make sure you are by the phone for when the guard calls to let me in. I get VERY pissed whe I get all the way to your neighborhood only to have the guard tell me he can't let me in because your dumb *** didn't pick up the phone.

8. If you are old, smelly, too fat to walk, do not speak English, or any combination of those, do not order from me. You only add to my frustrations and therefore make the service for normal people ****tier.

 

Oh, and sorry for all the obscenities. It's just how I express myself. Don't worry, I am fully aware of my extreme lack of maturity.

 

ummmm....bad day??

 

Lol actually I wrote this after a bad day a few weeks ago and just got around to posting it.

 

ahhh...I always liked the people who would come into the resturant i used to work at and order 40 dollar steaks and a couple drinks and when they get the bill and it says $77.95 they would throw down 80 and think they were generous

 

 

You're absolutely right. I think that everybody should be forced to work for tips at some point in their life. Then maybe they'd understand...

 

Nice rant bro!

 

X2

 

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Funny you should rant about this..

About two weeks ago my supervisor orderd pizza for the office and it came to about $31.02. So when the pizza guy comes i go to her to get the money and she gives me $32.00 !!!!!! So on my way to go give the guy his money i slip in an extra $2.00 because i was utterly embarrassed. She almost made me look like a jerk to some dude whose just trying to earn some money.

I told her that it wasn't right short tipping the guy and after that she decides to get all b*tchy and drop about 10lbs of paperwork on my desk... Where was Chuck Norris when i needed someone to be roundhouse kicked? huh

 

Ah fellow delivery driver eh? I delivered pizza for 3 years during college and can agree with all the above statements, the address is the big one but I would add,

Turn on the porch light after dark, your expecting me to come in the next 1/2 hour why let me break my leg on the crap you leave outside your door because I can't see, half the time I played dumb counting back change telling them I cannot see to count to 5.

If the weather is bad, shovel the darn walkway, once again I am risking my life driving thru snow covered roads, because you won't yourself, now I have to freeze my feet and soak my boots because you won't get off the couch and shovel the walkways.

If you live in an apartment tell the order taker what building number you live in, sure I know its apt 120 but out of 400 apartments and 15 plus buildings with say 10 each it gets hard driving and walking around trying to find the one that has units 110-120 inside the corridor.

Answer the door when I knock, just because you and your girl are getting it on doesn't mean I'm gonna wait for you to finish, I have left houses because owners did not hear me ring the bell due to sex, loud music, passed out drunk, in the shower, called from work and thought you would be home before I got there..... WRONG, when I have to redeliver your cold food because of your fault don't expect to find it all there much less healthy to eat, I have already wasted my time , gas and mileage driving to your house once, now I have to go back. Pissed at you so you better tip big for that mistake. I'd always let them know once I got my money from them how I wasted my time on your sorry a**

 

...and you to carry guns? Maybe try another job.

 

There are 2 sides to this argument.

I remember one such delivery very well.
The pizza driver hands me the pie and mumbles "that's $20 even"

So I hand him a $20 for the pizza, and then I hand him a $5 bill and say "that's for you"

The guy doesn't say thanks, go jump in the lake, he just takes the money, turns around and walks away. The dumbass didnt even get it as I said "you're welcome" as he walked away.

If you're going to deliver food as a profession, then there are a few things you can do to increase the tip factor:

1) Be well groomed and dress like a professional.

Don't show up at my door smelling like BO, looking like you slept in your clothes, unshaven, and 8 weeks overdue for that hair cut.

Wash your car too, how you look and present yourself tells others that you care, and leaves a good impression for the company you work for.

Don't show up at my door holding my food in one hand, and a lit smoke in the other.

2) If someone gives you any amount over the cost of the food, have some class and say "thank you". Don't come on here and threaten to ruin his lawn or leave ruts in my front lawn.

You pick the wrong lawn, you my friend are gonna get fired, charged, or knocked out.
People put their entire life savings into making their homes nice, now you're going to do damage because the tip wasn't big enough? Time to grow up.

If you deliver, you will know that many low income people order food at the end of the month.
They don't have extra money to be tipping the driver, they are just happy to be able to order out. Respect that and understand it. The overly generous drunk people's tips will make up for the poor and cheap people.

There's some cheapskates out there who don't tip for any number of reasons, and no matter what you do, nothing will change that.

If you are pleasant, courteous, professional, all those things will help to increase your tips from those of us who do tip, and at the end of the night, you should have a higher "per tip" average.

When the customer opens the door, greet them with a friendly hello, ask them how they're doing, and be pleasant.

As far as not being able to see the house numbers, do yourself a favour, go buy yourself a small 2 million candle flood light for $15 bucks.

Don't be cheap.
Your job is delivering food, have everything you need to do a good job, big *** spotlight to see the numbers, updated map, and if possible, a cell phone if you get lost.

I hope it gets better for you.

 

Nice Rant....may I return the favor?

1. You represent the company. Go back and yell at them, I can't eat my steak sub if I don't have steak. Sorry you take the brunt, pass it on to the morons you work with.

2. I tip well unless you drive past my house 5 times, show up 3 hours later with cold food, or put ruts in my grass because you don't want to park in my driveway to get to your next stop faster.

3. I can afford to tip, but remember a tip is not your salary, it is for good service. My waiter at a restaurant suffers if the cook sucks, so do you. Quit crying about it and work for a better company.

4. The numbers are there, my neighbor's numbers are there, but oh by the way, they go up or down by 2. If you drive past the house with a number of 5 chances are the next house is 3, even if it isn't labeled. Figure it out, its basic math.

5. I give you my address, don't ask for directions. You are a professional. Maps cost a few bucks, learn to read one. Don't call me an hour later asking for directions and then get upset when you don't get a tip.


All in good fun by the way, but I have some of the dumbest delivery drivers in my area.