Funny Little Jokes
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Funny Little Jokes
My local radio station has all sorts of little jokes that they do, so I thought I would post some. I already posted one I thought was good enough for its own thread, How To Give A Cat A Pill. Anyways, here they go.
=========================================
"Pillsbury Doughboy's Eulogy"
Spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of
celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The Grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave
the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many
turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked
schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the
oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
=========================================
"Texas Warning for Osama Bin Laden"
I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban,
politicians, and the news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming
weeks and months. What a joke!
You have a better chance of getting killed on I-10 than by a terrorist. Osama has
probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants
to go with it. If he did, he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave. He talks of
pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he
gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.
Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lyme
disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheatcrop, and termites
eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years.
What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague, armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats
and skunks carry rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins.
Ho-hum. They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have never pulled in behind a
cattle truck while it's raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two
cowboys after they have just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red Chili.
Texas ain't for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say "Don't mess
with Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!
=========================================
A Letter From Jim-Bob's Mother
Dear Jim-Bob,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so
we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that
lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well
though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week.
The first time it rained for three days and the second time for
four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would
be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't
make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked
his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him
two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it
is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby
is a girl your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to
call it mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and
he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.
=========================================
"The Teacher's Birthday"
It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided to
buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a
present. She held it and said "I guess that its flowers". "How did you
guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a
present. She held it and said, "I guess that its some candy." "How did
you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him
also.
The third student, a future Aggie, whose parents own a bottle shop,
gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with
her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little boy.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little boy, "It is a puppy."
=========================================
"Things Jim-Bob's Momma Taught Him"
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"
RELIGION
"You better pray that this stain comes out of the carpet."
TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"
HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MOM!
=========================================
I guess thats all I got for now. Enoy!
=========================================
"Pillsbury Doughboy's Eulogy"
Spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of
celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The Grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave
the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many
turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked
schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the
oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
=========================================
"Texas Warning for Osama Bin Laden"
I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban,
politicians, and the news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming
weeks and months. What a joke!
You have a better chance of getting killed on I-10 than by a terrorist. Osama has
probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants
to go with it. If he did, he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave. He talks of
pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he
gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.
Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lyme
disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheatcrop, and termites
eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years.
What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague, armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats
and skunks carry rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins.
Ho-hum. They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have never pulled in behind a
cattle truck while it's raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two
cowboys after they have just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red Chili.
Texas ain't for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say "Don't mess
with Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!
=========================================
A Letter From Jim-Bob's Mother
Dear Jim-Bob,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so
we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that
lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well
though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week.
The first time it rained for three days and the second time for
four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would
be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't
make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked
his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him
two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it
is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby
is a girl your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to
call it mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and
he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.
=========================================
"The Teacher's Birthday"
It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided to
buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a
present. She held it and said "I guess that its flowers". "How did you
guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a
present. She held it and said, "I guess that its some candy." "How did
you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him
also.
The third student, a future Aggie, whose parents own a bottle shop,
gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with
her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little boy.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little boy, "It is a puppy."
=========================================
"Things Jim-Bob's Momma Taught Him"
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"
RELIGION
"You better pray that this stain comes out of the carpet."
TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"
HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MOM!
=========================================
I guess thats all I got for now. Enoy!