History in simple terms

The division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups
began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the
summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at
night while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative
movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecue and doing
the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement."

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of
Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note, most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to
make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police
officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works
productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of
trying to get MORE for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.