So, two blondes walk into a bar....
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 238
Likes: 0
From: Better Call Sam ..Inside Joke
A Man in Michigan bought a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 he has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decided to go duck hunting, but with all the lakes frozen. TheBrains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
Senior Member
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 873
Likes: 1
From: Somewhere in the EU
Originally posted by zacky
A Man in Michigan bought a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 he has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decided to go duck hunting, but with all the lakes frozen. TheBrains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
A Man in Michigan bought a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 he has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decided to go duck hunting, but with all the lakes frozen. TheBrains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
So then what did you and your dad do?
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 284
Likes: 0
Originally posted by kobiashi
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 386
Likes: 0
From: Wisconsin
Chili
Please take time
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better.
>>>
>>>
For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have
a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot
at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>> > >
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Frank is Judge #3)
>>> > >
CHILI # 1 EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>> >
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, What the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>> > >
CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>>> >
>>> > >
CHILI # 3 RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI..
>>> >
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
beer...
>>> > >
CHILI # 4 DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>> > >
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>>> > >
CHILI # 6 PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
>>> > >
>>> > >CHILI # 7 CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
>>> > >
CHILI # 8 KAREN'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better.
>>>
>>>
For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have
a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot
at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>> > >
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Frank is Judge #3)
>>> > >
CHILI # 1 EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>> >
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, What the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>> > >
CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>>> >
>>> > >
CHILI # 3 RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI..
>>> >
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
beer...
>>> > >
CHILI # 4 DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>> > >
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>>> > >
CHILI # 6 PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
>>> > >
>>> > >CHILI # 7 CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>>> > >
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
>>> > >
CHILI # 8 KAREN'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>>> > >
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
>>> > >
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?