joke time again...
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From: 49 45' 40.76"N 119 10' 12.84"W Sol III ᐰ
joke time again...
HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." she responded.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the finished gloves and throw them into boxes of the
right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought to himself.
Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." she responded.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the finished gloves and throw them into boxes of the
right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought to himself.
Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
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From: Sunny FL
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. Therefore, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. In addition, for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!” At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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From: Sunny FL
The Amazing Scotsman
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."
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From: Sunny FL
American History
It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"
Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"
Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."
From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."
Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"
Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says,
"Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"
Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"
Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."
From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."
Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"
Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says,
"Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
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From: Miami, Fl.
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them. "*******S!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks, Jane Fonda and Michael Moore.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them. "*******S!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks, Jane Fonda and Michael Moore.
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From: ohio
the bathroom
a small little white guy about the size of michael j. fox was taking a leak at a urinal in a public restroom when all of the sudden he heard a huge bang!
looking over he saw a huge black dude the size of warren sapp come through the door, the guy pulls out his d#ck the size of a baseball bat out and slams it on the ground shattering the tile. he lets out a huge roar and starts bashing his bat into sinks breaking them off with one swipe, he continues to do spinning whips into the stalls on the other side of the urinals. knocking them all over breaking toilets water spraying everywhere. TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!!
standing there shivering the little white guy resembled a scared bunny rabbit who wont move.
the huge dude towers over him in a deep pissed off voice says "HEY BUDDY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO WITH MY D*CK NOW???"
the little guy in a nervous voice says ""N,N,Nooo"
The black guy gets an inch from his face and says..."IM GONNA STICK IT IN YOUR @SS!!!!"
and with a swipe of the forehead in relieve the white guy replies....."man i though you were gonna hit me with it"
looking over he saw a huge black dude the size of warren sapp come through the door, the guy pulls out his d#ck the size of a baseball bat out and slams it on the ground shattering the tile. he lets out a huge roar and starts bashing his bat into sinks breaking them off with one swipe, he continues to do spinning whips into the stalls on the other side of the urinals. knocking them all over breaking toilets water spraying everywhere. TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!!
standing there shivering the little white guy resembled a scared bunny rabbit who wont move.
the huge dude towers over him in a deep pissed off voice says "HEY BUDDY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO WITH MY D*CK NOW???"
the little guy in a nervous voice says ""N,N,Nooo"
The black guy gets an inch from his face and says..."IM GONNA STICK IT IN YOUR @SS!!!!"
and with a swipe of the forehead in relieve the white guy replies....."man i though you were gonna hit me with it"
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From: Hammer Lane
Originally posted by momalle1
The Dixie Chicks in the same category as Jane Fonda and Michael Moore?
The Dixie Chicks in the same category as Jane Fonda and Michael Moore?
Originally posted by momalle1
You righties hate more than I thought.
You righties hate more than I thought.
I don't know about that; but, we can generalize pretty damn good. (see above comment.)
Originally posted by momalle1
Damn all people that voice their opinion when it doesn't agree with mine!
Damn all people that voice their opinion when it doesn't agree with mine!
That one could be fielded on either side of the political line of scrimmage.
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From: Massachusetts
"That one could be fielded on either side of the political line of scrimmage."
True, but pointing out what someone else does poorly does not improve what you do. It's wrong from both sides. Speaking out about what your government is doing is what started this nation and what the first amendment was designed for.
True, but pointing out what someone else does poorly does not improve what you do. It's wrong from both sides. Speaking out about what your government is doing is what started this nation and what the first amendment was designed for.
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From: Massachusetts
You're right, I apologize.
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas, if not the world. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in a car accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England".
The second one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a boating accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a Gold Medal in field events at the Olympics".
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train that was traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat. Today he is President of the United States".
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas, if not the world. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in a car accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England".
The second one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a boating accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a Gold Medal in field events at the Olympics".
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train that was traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat. Today he is President of the United States".