The 2 Dozen Male Commandments
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From: MN
The 2 Dozen Male Commandments
01 XLT you will really like #16, lifegaurdjoe pay attention to #24. 
The 2 Dozen Male Commandments
1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.
2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it NOT appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.
3. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.
4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
5. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).
7. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
8. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
9. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
10. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.
12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
14. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.
15. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
16. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.
20. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.
21. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."
22. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to do her.
24. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
The 2 Dozen Male Commandments
1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.
2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it NOT appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.
3. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.
4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
5. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).
7. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
8. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
9. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
10. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.
12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
14. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.
15. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
16. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.
20. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.
21. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."
22. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to do her.
24. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
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From: NH
Re: The 2 Dozen Male Commandments
Originally posted by MN4x4
16. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
16. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
More like, "Oh I'm sorry was that your cat I ran over?"
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664
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From: Whitehorse, Yukon
I've suffered irreparable damage because of one mans need to wear a "Speedo"
Now maybe it's possible that 1 man out of 1,400 can look ok wearing a "Speedo", I don't know the exact numbers but we can all agree it's a rarity.
So one fine late November day, my wife & I are lounging by the Hilton pool in Abu Dhabi. The sun is shining, I'm reading my new Popular Mechanics, she reading her Stephen King book, life is grand!
Out of my worst nightmare comes a 50-ish German speaking couple, and they decide to plunk down and lounge right beside us.
Oh no, the entire pool perimeter is empty, but they just HAVE to nestle in right beside "Alex & Karen" from Canada.
They are both "large" people, but he is an easy 350 pounds and maybe 5 feet tall.
So I can't help myself and decide to "peek" over my magazine and see what's going on.
There he is, standing by the deep end, stretching and touching his toes before he decides to jump into the 90 degree water.
To my horror, I realize he is wearing a "Speedo", and to make matters worse, his "Speedo" was a "tan" color, and blended right in his with skin tone.
His massive belly completely hung over his private parts, so if you looked quickly, he looked nude. The crushing blow was when I witnessed the exterior of him when all I could see is 2 huge *** cheeks covered up by the skimpy G-string like Speedo material.
Well actually, the Speedo was buried deep between the buttocks.
Anyone ever see "My 5 wives" with Rodney Dangerfield? If you did, that's what I'm talking about. Remember the pool scene in Vegas?
Anyways, this was a horrifying site to witness, and ever since I have had "Speedo-phobia"
It was pretty damn funny, I remember we were giggling pretty quietly as we saw it, haha.
The thing I don't understand is how people think.
I'm sure when Hans put his Speedo on, he must've looked in the mirror before leaving for the pool. What does he say to himself?
"Yeah, goddamn I'm a sexy man! (in German of course)
First of all fellas, there's an unwritten style rule:
If you're a BFB like me, DO NOT WEAR A SPEEDO!!
You cannot wear a Speedo if you are 2 ounces over weight.
This is why Joe and his Speedo sent me into a partial relapse, the initial event was so traumatic, seeing Joe's picture caused me to fall apart.
There's one more "DO NOT" when it comes to Speedos.
Do not wear a Speedo if you have a small dink.
Why?
Because everyone will know.
Do you want the entire world to know you have a small dink? Think about it!
That's all I have to say about Speedos.
Habibi
Now maybe it's possible that 1 man out of 1,400 can look ok wearing a "Speedo", I don't know the exact numbers but we can all agree it's a rarity.
So one fine late November day, my wife & I are lounging by the Hilton pool in Abu Dhabi. The sun is shining, I'm reading my new Popular Mechanics, she reading her Stephen King book, life is grand!
Out of my worst nightmare comes a 50-ish German speaking couple, and they decide to plunk down and lounge right beside us.
Oh no, the entire pool perimeter is empty, but they just HAVE to nestle in right beside "Alex & Karen" from Canada.
They are both "large" people, but he is an easy 350 pounds and maybe 5 feet tall.
So I can't help myself and decide to "peek" over my magazine and see what's going on.
There he is, standing by the deep end, stretching and touching his toes before he decides to jump into the 90 degree water.
To my horror, I realize he is wearing a "Speedo", and to make matters worse, his "Speedo" was a "tan" color, and blended right in his with skin tone.
His massive belly completely hung over his private parts, so if you looked quickly, he looked nude. The crushing blow was when I witnessed the exterior of him when all I could see is 2 huge *** cheeks covered up by the skimpy G-string like Speedo material.
Well actually, the Speedo was buried deep between the buttocks.
Anyone ever see "My 5 wives" with Rodney Dangerfield? If you did, that's what I'm talking about. Remember the pool scene in Vegas?
Anyways, this was a horrifying site to witness, and ever since I have had "Speedo-phobia"
It was pretty damn funny, I remember we were giggling pretty quietly as we saw it, haha.
The thing I don't understand is how people think.
I'm sure when Hans put his Speedo on, he must've looked in the mirror before leaving for the pool. What does he say to himself?
"Yeah, goddamn I'm a sexy man! (in German of course)
First of all fellas, there's an unwritten style rule:
If you're a BFB like me, DO NOT WEAR A SPEEDO!!
You cannot wear a Speedo if you are 2 ounces over weight.
This is why Joe and his Speedo sent me into a partial relapse, the initial event was so traumatic, seeing Joe's picture caused me to fall apart.
There's one more "DO NOT" when it comes to Speedos.
Do not wear a Speedo if you have a small dink.
Why?
Because everyone will know.
Do you want the entire world to know you have a small dink? Think about it!
That's all I have to say about Speedos.
Habibi
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From: Michigan Rocks and then some too!!!
Originally posted by lifeguardjoe
Hey now, I only wear them when I'm swimming geez
Now like I walk around school wearing a speedo.
Hey now, I only wear them when I'm swimming geez
Now like I walk around school wearing a speedo.
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 485
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From: Central Florida
Originally posted by Habibi
"Yeah, goddamn I'm a sexy man! (in German of course)
"Yeah, goddamn I'm a sexy man! (in German of course)
I didn't use goddam because my keyboard doesn't have the characters for it, and sexy=sexy. My translation comes out as ," I am a hulk of a man in my tiny bathing suit." If you want Alex, I can give you a few handy German phrases to ward off such an attack in the future.
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664
Likes: 1
From: Whitehorse, Yukon
I'll be flying Lufthansa in a few weeks, I'll try to remember that for the ugly waitresses on te plane.
)God they hate being called that)
Seriously tho, I've never seen an ugly Lufthansa flight attendant, you wanna see ugly? Fly Air Canada, we win the award in 2 areas
1) Most homely and ugly
2) worst attitudes.
Bad enough you have some 57 year old battle-axe fetching your beer, but she hands it to you with a serious dose of PMS.
Ahhhh, Air Canada!
)God they hate being called that)
Seriously tho, I've never seen an ugly Lufthansa flight attendant, you wanna see ugly? Fly Air Canada, we win the award in 2 areas
1) Most homely and ugly
2) worst attitudes.
Bad enough you have some 57 year old battle-axe fetching your beer, but she hands it to you with a serious dose of PMS.
Ahhhh, Air Canada!