Uh, No, no, and no.

I have an 2003 m5 and my partner just bought his wife a cayenne turbo He antagonized, and I obliged. We were closer than I liked on the way back from picking it up. at 130 indicated he was able to accelerate with me pretty much head to head.

Stock specs for my ride are 0-60 4.8 sec and 1/4mi./13.4.
I have the typical dinan workup on mine, this yields a little more poop. Who is to say what those lil ***** do in there while I am not looking, but it is faster, and the old rev limiter is gone now, seen 170. that is enough for me, at least on 4 wheels.

 

Cayenne is a mid 15 second car at best. The cheap little Subaru goes about 13.70s. I test drove the Porsche and the first 1/8" of throttle is about 95 % of the power. Car was ok, but felt really heavy and rides about like a Lightning. For the money, I would have to say that it is a complete loser. Skip

 

You need to drive the Turbo

I wouldn't own one either, but I never have been a big fan of the porshe two footed (left foot on brake and right on the gas) driving experience. Too much work to recover from the all too abundant understeer. If I have to hang the *** end out, I want to do it for fun, not to make a turn. If you have ever had, or aggressively driven any of the 911 incarnations, you surely agree.
The M5, as most beemers, make time on the track due to the near 50/50 weight distribution, this allows almost effortless 4-wheel drift; this is what makes for fast lap times.

Of course this does not apply to the Cayenne Turbo whatsoever.
But,
You live in LA, my Practice is in La Jolla, maybe...
I could arrange for my partners wife to meet you and your 4 Subarus at the local twisties (Palomar, Laguna hills, S.D. Stadium autocross), you and the little lady could have a go at it. I would be willing to bet she could drop the kids off at soccer and still turn a quicker lap.
Waddya say?
Maybe I could make a run agin' yeez too...

 

A BMW M 5 is probably the nicest handling car made. I just said that the Subaru turbos are fast. I do not own one or ever intend to own one. I drove the Porsche and a FX 45 back to back and to me the FX handled way better. The Porsche felt like a 3/4 ton truck. I did not say that it handled bad, just that it felt heavy. Compared to my Lightning which has 100 to 150 more hp to the rear wheels, both cars felt kind of slow. The FX 45 drove really nice, but I don't know if I could get used to the looks of it. Skip

 

Once again, I think you must have driven the base model Cayenne. Revisit the local Porsche lender/dealer and drive the Turbo, I believe this will be closer to a Habenero, and may be spicy enough for you. One thing's for sure, it will put that kangaroo carrier to shame.
The concept' of "'tweener cars" in my opinion, is a compromise of performance ethics; I never could stand dual sport motorcycles, or slightly overround girls; it's just a matter of standards.
The Cayenne is just another mini-van to me, never would own one (see: Escapade,Foreskinner,Patchgrinder, Mercedes mooncar, or BMW's racer x5...) but that doesn't mean it isn't faster than your car, now does it... or mine?

On a lighter note, have you seen the Lamborghini SUV?
Now that thing looks spendy, too spendy to even be trendy.

 

We hate the same things, grossly overweight vehicles and most other things as well. It is unreal how fast some cars and trucks are now days. My Lightning, with all of the mods that it has would probably run around a 12.5 quarter mile. That is not even fast anymore. There are very many mustangs running around that are in the mid to low 11s and even in the 10s. It is getting crazy. These cars are street legal and pass Ca. smog laws. My problem is that I need something that is kind of fun to drive. tows my bass boat and works ok in the snow (Big Bear cabin). My Lghtning is fun to drive, but only holds 2 people and probably would get me killed in the snow. What I really need is tharepy for even thinking about this stuff. Skip