We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

All are impossible in a very small office like I work in...

It's really bad when you clog it up and have to go to the basement to get the plunger... and have to walk by in front of the secretary...

AHAHAHAH!

Not that I've ever done that...

 

Heck RockPick, just tell the secretery where the plunger is and go back to work. She might gripe a bit but she'll take care of it.


Just remember to make your own coffee afterwords.

 

LMAO @ the Havana Omelet

 

I posted this in the bathroom at work. Great thread.

 

I won't go into details here, but... it's worse for women!

Women will try to "out-sit" the woman in the stall next to them. Women won't "go" until there is not a SOUL in the bathroom, not even if they hear someone walking down the hall. They can wait up to 15-20 minutes until the bathroom is clear. Then, at that time, you feel like you've won the Boston Marathon! Coast is clear... bombs away!!!

But... if you hear the door open... you have to stop... right in the middle... until the bathroom is clear again.

Then, if you've been sitting for a long period of time, and you're wearing a skirt that you've hiked up around your waist, the skirt ends up all wrinkly. Definite tell-tale sign you've been sitting a LONG time.

And, sometimes, if you're wearing a short skirt, and have been sitting for a long time, you can see the toilet seat mark on the back of your legs (this is worse in the summertime when you're wearing shorts).

Women will also do the multi-flush. I think it's self-explanatory.

Sorry if I grossed anyone out. Just trying to give a woman's perspective to the thread. When I read this thread, I actually had tears streaming down my face from stiffling the laughter.

Jenn in OH

 

Must make for one heck of a waiting line. One woman waiting for the waiting woman in the bathroom followed by another waiting woman.

 

ROFLMAO @ Jenn...

That's a great testimonial..urr... story....

Men don't give a flip...

I remember back in the dorm many moons ago, the guys in there would ask for a 'courtesy flush' in an attempt to liquidate the odors.

It was always the best when this one guy was in there....

I can hear him now...

"Give a man a break... DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN! How's bout' a courtesy flush... DAMNNNNNNNNNN!"

ROFL! Ahh, memories.

 

Fortunately for us we have 2 single bathrooms (like at gas stations).

Unfortunately 1 is located right next to my office (my door is off the entry to the bathroom). Lets just say I was the first in the office to have a personal radio going & I play it semi loud.

People are pretty good about leaving the exhaust fan on when needed but they don't realize how bad hairspray smells when you're just sitting there & it floats in your area like fog.

Funniest part is that 1 of our marketers answers her cell phone while shes in there. once it rings everything stops & she turns off the fan before answering it. She came out laughing on time because she had sat there so long talking w/the client her legs went numb. I guess she forgot that she has voicemail on her phone.

Did I mention we have about a dozen women & 2 men in our office?

 

I like those odds.

 

LMAO @ RP...

The waiting in line thing... it's like this... if you walk into the ladies room and there are three stall available, and two doors are shut, and you don't hear anything, you know that there's a "sit-out" going on, and you just go find another ladies room.

If there are no other ladies rooms available, you walk in, wash your hands, fix your hair, fix your make-up and try to kill as much time as possible until all stalls are un-occupied. If the person is stubborn and is waiting for YOU to leave, then you just leave, wait 10 minutes and try again.

It's a woman thing... and we all know it.

Jenn

 

That is a nice ratio. LOL!

RP

 

My secret to complete bathroom freedom: I wait until after 4, then its only me & another gal here. I take my palm pilot in & play a few games (I do this at home too but thats mainly so I can have some alone time from the hubby & baby).

 

Where I work, at a fire station, everyone gets to know everyone else REAL WELL and their--ah shall we say--personal habits. Sometimes ,when someone is in "there" the lights get shut off---accidently. All kinds of things happened for years---and then they hired a group of women firefighters. You'd think the fun would have stopped--but no---the women became like the rest of us---a great big family in which everyone knows everyone elses habits---and then things got worse... I think they should hire more women!!!! By the way, those long sits end abruptly when the bells hit---causes a 'lil cussin now and then