Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon
will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not
used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.
1. Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let
them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ***.
2. Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy
Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ***.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke.
Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -
it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ***.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone
tried to do that they would get a serious *** kickin'.
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ***.
7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ***.
8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any
circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney
beans, this will get your *** kicked into next week.
9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they
are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your *** on home -- before we kick it.
10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all
that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ***.
11. Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your
livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma.
Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your *** all the way back to Pittsburgh,
PA.
12. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired
grandmothers, or they'll kick your *** -- just like they did ours.
13. Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your
***.
14. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot
(right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a
pine box -- minus your ***.
15. Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first
place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and
put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your *** out.
16. Enjoy your visit.

 

Damn Sixpipes you make me miss Texas more and more!!! Oh, and please don't forget,
(*)When you go to a cafe, don't forget to order the Calf Fries (aka Rocky Mountain Oysters), and if you don't eat them like a man, we'll kick your ***!!

By any chance, are you anywhere near Plaino, Ceder Creek or Garland??? If so, we might have to get together and you can show me the local track when I'm back up there.

------------------
-Marcus M.
Email-SnakEyez60@aol.com
Black 2001 ordered and impatiently waiting.
Moderator:BLackBoLT01 <A HREF="Http://www.SVTperformance.com" TARGET=_blank> </A>

 

You got that right about the coke.

 

Texas kicks *** or something, you boys need to drop a small nuclear weapon on Baton Rouge and move your border over to the Mississippi line, then fix our roads, or something

 

You forgot to mention the fact that Texas doesnt draw attention to itself like Florida.

(Elian, counting, and if all else fails, hurricains)

[This message has been edited by anonymouslightning (edited 01-29-2001).]

 

I guess I am ready to kick ***!!! I know you will not believe this, but they will not let me carry my .45 in DC, heck, they don't even allow handguns and every blood in the hood has one!!!!

------------------

~2001 F-250, White, crew cab,PowerStroke, 4-speed Auto,3.73 Limited Slip,6 CD changer
1997 Camaro Z-28, 6-speed, 30th anniversary convertible -- my fun car

[This message has been edited by Ivanhoe_Farms (edited 01-29-2001).]

 

MRBBQMAN:

A bit off subject, but Miss Pat and I are flying to San Diego tomorrow to pick up my inherited Lincoln TC to drive back to Atlanta.

We will be driving through the great state of Texas, amongst others, and will be sure to ask for Coke and generally behave ourselves although as my Daddy is a Texas A&M graduate of Class of '35 and a retired Major General in the Marine Corps we may get a buddy pass.

More to the point, this is the first "vacation" Pat and I have taken in the last 9 years since we went into business for ourselves with our HobbyTown thingie. We intend to mosey along I-10 from Phoenix all the way across and obviously will be going through your area.

I could not find Bridge City on my Allstate map, but I am sure it exists. If you could provide a telephone number between now and about 7:00 AM tomorrow, we will call you and get directions to a meeting place where we may at least share a Coke, whether it be a Texas coke or a local one.

As a BTW, one of the objectives of our trip is to find for Pat a home on the water (Gulf) to which we may retire in the next 4-5 years.

If anyone else is monitoring this post, feel free to supply a phone number that we can call if we pass by you on I-10.

We should start from AZ on or about the 8th or 9th.

Bill

 

BLackBoLT99

I'm just a hollar from all those places. I can for dang sure point out the local tracks and I might even show you a place or two where we could go and both get our a$$es kicked.

 

Sixpipes love your post

I used to go to TexASS all the time for my last job.

As far as barbecue's that's what you all do best.

You guys don't scare me one bit, and I allways behave around your grandmothers, because I know they would kick my *** if I misbehaved.

Now you know why they have DalASS in TexASS

[This message has been edited by Don C (edited 01-29-2001).]

 

Hah Sixpipes, then it's on, once I get the L, I'm taking a trip to Texas. It's been a LONGGGGGG time since I got my *** kicked. Now you have to show me this place. I miss texas bar-b-q chicken and ribs..

------------------
-Marcus M.
Email-SnakEyez60@aol.com
Black 2001 ordered and impatiently waiting.
Moderator:BLackBoLT01 <A HREF="Http://www.SVTperformance.com" TARGET=_blank> </A>

 

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. And remember, Don't start nouthin while drivin down the roads of Texas unless you got a gun under the seat because we all have one under ours. Oh sixpipes, what can I say. When yo right, yo right.

Dictionary

Texan Translation

awl oil
tar tire
war wire
good ole boy great guy
flo floor
doe door
mow more

EX--Pick up the paper on the flo, close the doe, and don't do that no mow, or we'll kick your ***.



[This message has been edited by noelvm (edited 01-29-2001).]

 

duplicate

[This message has been edited by MRBBQMAN (edited 01-29-2001).]

 

Hi Bill!, my store is 3-4 miles off of I-10 near New Orleans Int'l airport. give me a call when you are near there for directions. we can share a Barq's (root beer) or a Red Drink (creme soda) 504-436-3333 (Dave)

 

Thanks Dave:

Will surely give you a call. Might just be a quickie, but worth the effort I am sure.
Bill

 

Bill Murray

Not sure how far down 10 you are going, but if you get to the boerne/leon springs area make sure to stop by Rudys BBQ! Its the best!


------------------
2001 Black L on order.