A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what?s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What?s wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They?re all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don?t tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

 

So a man and his newlywed bride move to a new town and want to become members of the church. The preacher there tells them that to become members, they have to refrain from sex for one entire week. The next sunday, they show back up, and they go sit with the preacher and he asks them, "How did you do?" The man replies, "Well, it was hard at first, I ended up sleeping on the couch, but I have to be honest, yesterday, I saw her bent over and I couldn't help it, so we did and I am sorry I have failed your test." The preacher then says "That is very bad, leave here and do not come back!" The man says, "That's exactly what the manager at Food City said, too!"


No flames intended, not making fun of any religion or preacher, I know this would never happen in a real church where everyone is accepting, but it goes with the joke.
Have a nice day!

 

A wealthy Texan arrives at the home of a Georgia hunting guide for the first time. They start out early the next morning. As they were walking thru a swampy area, a wild hog races by and out of sight. The Texax barked out "What was that?" The guide told him and the Texan remarked, "Hael, that ain't no hog where I'm from--ours are really big." Continuing on, a rabbit hops by and the Texan says "What's that little bitty thing?" The guide tells him that's a Ga. swamp rabbit. The Texan again says "That ain't nothin'--Texas' rabbits are 10-20 lbs at least. Out of the corner of his eye, the guide spots a buck deer. He points him out to his customer and the guy rags on him about how "tiny" that lil' ol' deer is and how big the bucks are in Texas. Well, the guides is gettin' P/Off! A little further on and the Texan spots a gopher/tortise shuffeling along the tail. As the Texan asks "What's that little feller there?", the guide replies--a tick.

Dan

 

hehe LMAO!!! Those are funny!

 

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent.

When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent raging erection.

Looking down at his Mr. Happy, the executive snarled, "Why you
ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call
you a *****!"

 

Good one!

 

That one is good, fourhour!

 

A cardiac specialist passed away after a long and successful life.
At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart, made up of nearly a thousand flowers.

When the pastor finished with the sermon, and a touching eulogy had beenconcluded, and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart-shaped flower sculpture opened, the coffin was rolled inside, and then the heartslowly closed - - - totally enveloping the deceased physician.

Just then,one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funnyabout that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

 

In a small rural town, the postman of 20 years was working his last day before retirement.

Many knew of his departure, and decided to give him gifts for his service to the community.

At the first house, he was given fine chocolates. At the next home his was presented with a custom fishing rod.

As the mailman approached the third house the door opened and a beautiful woman appeared in the doorway, wearing nothing but a sheer body suit. She led him by the hand into the bedroom where she undressed him. As she undressed, she promised to fulfill his every fantasy, and she did. When she was sure that the postman was quite satisfied and exhausted, she helped put his clothes back on and led him to the front door. As she opened the door she handed the postman a $1 bill.

Confused, the postman turned and asked why the woman had felt he deserved such a gift.

"It was my husbands idea" replied the woman. I told him you were leaving and asked what he thought we should do for you. He said "Screw the Postman! Give him a dollar or something."

 

ROFL!!!! Very Funny!!!!!

my favorite Female actress!
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those are great now i need to find one to post