More Dinosaurs Are The Solution To The Oil Crisis
BY DAVE BARRY
IF YOU'VE been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked
by
the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that's just for Hostess
Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse.
Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights
are
being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: ``In addition to
freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so
they can drive around in `sport utility' vehicles the size of minor
planets.''
And don't let any so-called ``economists'' try to tell you that
foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric gasoline,
which is sold in foreign units called ``kilometers,'' plus they are
paying for it with foreign currencies such as the ``franc,'' the
``lira''
and the ``doubloon.'' So in fact there is no mathematical way to tell
WHAT they are paying.
But here in the United States we are definitely getting messed over, and
the question is: What are we going to do about it? Step 1, of course, is
to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They
have
nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd
probably win several hundred billion dollars.
But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this problem, we must
understand how the oil business works. Like most Americans, you probably
think that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Ha ha! What
an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks UNDER the gas station.
These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large
oil
tankers filled with oil from the Middle East.
But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place? To answer
that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era that
geologists call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the
Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli,
which they hated. And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway
asteroid,
believed by scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Orson
Welles, slammed into the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer
bad
luck all happened to be standing right where it landed. The massive
impact turned the dinosaurs, via a process called photosynthesis, into
oil; this oil was then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in
turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who hate each other, and
thus the Middle East was formed.
For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United States
with as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices. But then
the
major oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and
Texas
-- got all snotty and formed an organization called OPEC, which stands
for ``North Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the 1970s, OPEC decided
to
raise prices, and soon the United States was caught up in a serious
crisis: The Disco Era. It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or
wedding reception without being ordered onto the dance floor to learn
``The Hustle.''
AT THE SAME time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the
fact
that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep his or
her automobile gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as your
gas gauge dropped from ``Full'' to ``Fifteen-sixteenths,'' you'd rush to
a gas station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists
who
also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot of people, including me, saved on
heating oil by buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to
transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room filled with kerosene
fumes.
Buying gas and dancing ``The Hustle'' with people who smelled like
kerosene: That was the '70s.
So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of our
Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting
the same fuel economy as the World Trade Center. Now, once again, we
find
ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are
we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious
about energy conservation?
Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more
oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to
do
this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the
technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies,
``Jurassic
Park'' and ``Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.'' Once we
have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if he is available,
Marlon Brando.
If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then
write to your congressperson. Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I
siphon your tank.


------------------

The Truck: 1997 Black F-150 Flareside. Regular Cab ORP and Towing Package
The Mods: K&N Filter, Eurolid Hard Tonneau, Profile Windstream Side Deflectors and Ford Bug Deflector.
The Site:
Triton's 4.6 Liter Web Page
www.mindspring.com/~acbradley/index.html
<A HREF="https://www.alladvantage.com/joinsecure.asp?refid=LTM-954" TARGET=_blank>I made $450 surfing the web last month...you can too!
</A>

 

ROFLMAO !!
That is awesome, where did you see this?


------------------
1999 F-150 Lariat 4X2
Reg cab Short box Styleside
5.4L 3.55ls
Deep Wedgwood Blue/Silver
Lund Interceptor hood shield
VentVisors
Class III hitch
Ford molded mud guards
Soft tonneau cover
Factory CD with changer (thanks Dusty)
Tinted windows
Factory fog light kit

http://www.fortunecity.com/silversto...ton54home.html

 

LOL thats a good one.

[This message has been edited by hmustang (edited 05-17-2000).]

 

Thanks for sharing that Triton46. Dave Barry is a hoot.

Tom in Tacoma

 

That guy does with words what Gary Larson does with crude little drawings, what a great mind.

 

Do you all mean to tell me that the above article is not true??.

DAM. I have been spending DAYS cloning Dino's because of Mr. Barrys writing, so now, WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS HUGE CREATURE IN MY YARD??.

I wonder, if I milk him, would I get oil???

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98 F150 S/C 4.6 2wd Vermillion/Silver,HD Tow Pkg, Boards, Vents, Lund Bug Chaser, LaBra Tonneau cover, DIY "breezer" Tailgate, 5th whl hitch, Tool box, 16" OEM Mag's,BEEP,BEEP roadrunner floor mats.
Mobil1 /Wix Oil filter/ K&N / air box mod.
In looks & go - Chevy - like a rock.

 

LMAO, that was very funny. I really enjoyed reading that.

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97 F-150 S/C 4x4 ORP XLT 4.6 K&N , Flowmaster w/dual tailpipes, Bosch+4 plugs,Ford 9mm wires,Superchip.Patriot fiberglass toneau cover, Westin chrome step bars. Rear seat lift 4".
Kenwood 4011 stereo, USAcoustics 2150 amp, Profile electronic 3 way crossover, 2 10" IDQ DVC's.

FUTURE STEREO MODS:
Memphis components in front, Pioneer 3ways in rear, amp for the components, and a cd changer.

FUTURE PERFORMANCE MODS:
4.10 gears, Edlebrock shocks, supercharger, Airaid, power pulleys.

OTHER FUTURE MODS:
Ram Air hood w/functional ram air, suspension lift, 16.5" polished wheels, 35" tires, and sunroof.