-It's time for your ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION... ...be
honest.


1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest
of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -
it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch
except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your *** over here,
Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense,
rest assured, you are a *******. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs,
crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or ****. Anything
else and you are in training to suck El ****o and undeniably a ***.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or **** in a parking lot,
you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the
poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man
will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he
will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had
NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ***. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as
all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball,
PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a
meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-***
driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to
change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his
honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui?
The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows
how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with
another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion),
which is what happens to **** when they Flame out too.


If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are
afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being
a fudgepacker.

 

What is wrong with chartreuse? It is the best color of minnow going in my grandparents farm pond, bass just can't resist them and they are cheap too. Otherwise I would have no clue what it was, but that was the first thing that poped into my head when I read that.

(it is the last color you can pick)
http://www.cabelas.com/cabelas/en/te...337&hasJS=true

 

Uh oh

 

I passed with flying colors! I lied about knowing what chartreuse is.

 

Me too!!!!

As 02XLT mentioned, the only reason I know that colour is because of fishing/lures

 

So, if you fail even one you are gay, or are there varying degrees of gayness? I'll eat a sucker, but I don't suck or lick, I just crunch em right off of the stick.

Colors, I always say I only have the knowlege of the Crayola box of 8 crayons. Most women have the knowlege of the 64 pack with the little crayon sharpener on the front.

Also, there should be one other textile that is acceptable. Cotton. We can't all wear denim shirts after all.

 

You should be okay then. That sounds pretty manly to me.

 

Whew, OK- good...

I'm straight too, then.

 

I think this one got left out of the questionnaire.

9. If you have to justify your manhood with this "ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION", you might as well move to San Fran.

 

At first I wasn't sure WHAT we were going to examine...

 

I passed hands down! Manly man here! [insert Tim Allen grunt here]

Question about #4 though...
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or **** in a parking lot,
you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases.

I sometimes refuse to use certain public bathrooms as they tend to harbor "lip-stick wearing pansies". Does that mean I actually failed the test? Just curious.