1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times do they become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?

 

DUDE ! ! ! ! That still has me laughing ! I think that one is getting printed out and put by my desk.

 

nice!

 

Here's some more for your enjoyment.

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? !
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole l ot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. !
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
'THEIRS'?

 

Make them a "sticky" for this section

 

keep em comin ! these are frickin hilarious!

 

Here are a few i found.

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

10 Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
charge of immigration.

 

this post made my day so much better.....thanks!

 

Some more for your enjoyment. I know I've posted some, if not most, of these before but there are so many new people here, I'll do it again...

*Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

*Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive anyway!

*Who the hell would throw **** at a fan?

*Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

*Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

*Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

*Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to shoot them.

*The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

*A man's got to do what a man's got to do, a woman must do what he can't.

*Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!!

*Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

*It is helpful to know the proper way to behave, so one can decide whether or not to be proper.

*We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt....Then things get worse.

*Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.

*You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.

*Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.

*I don't drive fast, I fly low.

*How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

*Be Dangerous, Be Unpredictable, And Make Lots Of Noise

*If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room!

*If you are born again, do you have 2 bellybuttons?

*Buckle Up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your truck.

*People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

*Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

*Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

*Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

*They'll never be able to recall enough vehicles to correct the loose nuts behind the wheels!

*I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

*If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

*There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

*A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

*According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

*Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

*How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

*If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

*If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

*When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

*Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

*Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

*Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.