Tonights funny part II
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From: Decatur,AL
Tonights funny part II
George Carlin's New Rules For 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of thefootball team is doing these
days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have
a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards
are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're
pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of
them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the azzhole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge azzhole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US
Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows,then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to
be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zipup, some guy is offering
me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for
God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece
of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of thefootball team is doing these
days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have
a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards
are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're
pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of
them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the azzhole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge azzhole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US
Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows,then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to
be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zipup, some guy is offering
me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for
God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece
of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
Now that one I like!! 
