A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a
>
> >very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
>
> >very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
>
> >newspaper for a ranch hand.
>
> >
>
> >Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
>
> >drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
>
>applied she
>
> >decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
>
> >him around the house than the drunk.
>
> >
>
> >He proved to be a hard worker who
>
> >put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
>
> >For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.
>
> >Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
>
> >have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should
>go
>
> >into town and kick up your heels."
>
> >
>
> >The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
>
> > One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock , and
>
> >no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
>
> >room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
>
>
>glass of
>
> >wine, waiting for him.
>
> >
>
> >She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take
>
> >it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now
>take off my
>
> >boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off
>my socks."
>
>He
>
> >removed
>
> >each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
>
> >"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
>watching
>
> >her eyes in the fire light.
>
> >"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did
>as he
>
> >was told and dropped it to the floor.
>
> >"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the
>light of the fire, he
>
> >slowly pulled them down and off.
>
> >
>
> >Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
>into
>
> >town again, you're fired."
>

 

 

Good one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

HE HE HE

That was a pretty good one. I haven't heard that one yet. Thnx for sharing.

 

X2

Ok not many catch me by surprise but that one did....

 

Decided to dig this one up. If you have any good one's, share them.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard *****, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. He asks, "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the Bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

Ha ha lol.

two good ones.

 

One day in 3rd grade, the teacher tells her class that they're gonna play a game. She takes a student, blindfolds him, and tells him she's gonna give him some kinda food, and he has to guess what it is. She takes a Hershey's chocolate kiss, and puts it in his mouth. The teacher askes, "What is it?" The little boy says, "I dunno." The teacher says, "Think about it, it's what your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he leaves for work."

A little girl in the back of the classroom bolts up and screams, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ***!"

 

101 of the World's Funniest One Liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

 

51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.