People who know me are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y’all hold my drink and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.

This weekend I spied something at a Pawn Shop that tickled my fancy. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed! Upon reading the directions (I'm a Anderson...we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole bunch of fun.

Okay…I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on the couch, my little dog Sunny looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', Sunny) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Sunny for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet animal, after all. But, if I was going to give this as a gift for someone to protect themselves against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Sunny looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

I touched the prongs to my thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY Cr@p!!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Hulk Hogan ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nips on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Sunny was standing next to me making weird little sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!"

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen "Da boys"? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.



PS: This story is entirely made up…but it was funny was'nt it? And I know that each one of you could see me doing this to myself and for that, I give each of you many thanx. You know me well! I had a crappy day today and got this, and figured my day would be better if I made you smile…

 

you had me right to the end. Thinking and wondering the dog or the fool

lmfao.


GREAT

Russell

 

Its kinda ironic that I read this just now. Even though your story is fake.....well here goes......
I'm currently in the middle of a 24 hour shift, and kinda bored. About 2 hours ago, I'm sitting at my desk. I look down and see the shocking ink pen that one of my co-workers brought to work the other day and had it confiscated (yes, he tricked me into using the pen and shocked the HE!! out of myself). So, anyway, I'm staring at it and out of nowhere I pick it up and push the putton and my arm jerks. Naturally, the next step was to see what other muscles will twitch. After taking another look around to make sure I'm the only one here, I put it up to my calf and pushed. What do you know.....leg twitches. That was kinda cool, so I decide to try the muscle on the side of my neck......let me tell you.....BAD IDEA!!!!!!! I thought I was having a stroke or something..... Why couldn't you have posted this a few hours ago, and this whole situation could have be avoided.

P.S. I wish I could say that this was made up, but I really did just shock myself on the side of my neck a couple of hours ago. And it really was a BAD IDEA!!!

 

Had me hook line and sinker too.

Even before it got to it I was wondering which one gets it?

I was already snickering as I was thinking of both the hilarious and obvious consequinces and possibillities of either scenario.

 

Hahaha, got me!

Hope you have a better day tomorrow!!

 

This story sounded way too familiar.
repost
https://www.f150online.com/forums/sh...ighlight=Tazer

 

I found em.

Loved the story.

 

Heh, reminds me of when my cousin dared me to grab onto an electric fence with both hands when I was like 5 years old. I can still feel the pulsing spasms as I tried to let go.

That story had me going all the way. Funny stuff.

 

Well you ruined it for me when you said it was fake but....


right before that I couldnt see the screen I was crying so hard.....my sides hurt...I started laughing about 5 lines in and lost control after the shock.


I'm still laughing....so maybe you didnt ruin it for me.....


ahhhh...thanks

 

AHA! 9th grade in Engineering we used to always do that until it messed up the power in the whole building and someone almost had to go to the hospital.

 

OnBeLay, I want to go on record as not believeing you made it up! I think you really did it and after telling it, got so embarassed you went into denial!

 

Small world. I'm having flash-backs.

 

Odin,

didnt you post this once before?

 

I sincerely apologize for having the nerve to repost something that I had never seen before. Mea culpa, mea culpa...I shall now go recite forty three and a half Hail Marys and make sure the Japanese guy that lives up the street pulls my toenails out with a rusty pair of needle nose pliers.


Holy attitude check, Batman...if any of you nose in the air superior ****** ever talked to somebody in a bar the way you treat people on line, you'd get your head punched in on a regular basis. It's a joke, it's meant to be funny, and the fact that it was posted 10 months ago doesn't change either of those facts.


In other words, get off your pedestal and lighten up! Do you really feel better because you can jump all over somebody else's post? SO FREAKING WHAT if it's a repost?

(Momma always said I was too shy to make myself understood, but I've been working on it)

By the way, today was just a little bit crappier than yesterday, and I sincerely appreciate the opportunity to vent on you instead of kicking my Grandma down the stairs again...

Okay, I better get to church for communion...

 

KMA Dude.
It's a whole lot more fun jumping on somebody and shouting "REPOST".








Just kiddin ya!