Hey Tim, did you hear the one about..........

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you.
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
"She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses
in jail for contempt."

 

I got that e-mail today , you been reading my mail? punk?

 

That one's getting sent around the office!

Thanks for the Friday laugh.

 

ROTFLMAO!!!

 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all
entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: A hooker stops f*cking you after you die.

 

OH SCHITT


Gator, you had to **** him off didn't you..............

 

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?





He gets taller.

 

LMAO @ Odin's Wrath

 

Q:What do you call 100 lawyers up to their necks in concrete?



A:Concrete shortage.

 

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

 

1. Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

2. Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from ..."others of his profession.”

3. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Tim...

or
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?



Fifty-Four.
* 8 to argue* 1 to get a continuance* 1 to object* 1 to demur* 2 to research precedents,* 1 to dictate a letter* 1 to stipulate* 5 to turn in their time cards* 1 to depose* 1 to write interrogatories* 2 to settle* 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and * 28 to bill for professional services .....

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Your lightbulb or theirs?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”
Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

 

whats the difference between road kill and a dead lawyer? There is usually skid marks in front of the road kill.

 

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"