A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

 

Good one RR!

Hope you've been stayin' cool up there in BC, 'cause us Yam Dankees down here in the south been stewin' in humidity and heat.

 

Hey Serotta, how's it goin', ay?
High eighties to mid-nineties here and right in the middle of forest fire season. Last year at just about this time, we had 30,000 people evacuated and almost lost a really big chunk of our city. As it turned out, only 250 homes lost. This summer shapes up to be hotter and drier. Glad I've got air conditioning!

 

Damn, you're no better than we are. Only thing we have that you don't is the humidity. Low to mid 90's all last week and this week so far. We drove about 2 1/2 hours north and west last week to the house at Beech Mt., NC. Lows in the 50's, highs in the 70's. We probably should have stayed there.

 

two more weeks til' a week at my cabin in the mountains a half hour from here. Lots'a fishing and biking (pedal type, that is...) and kayaking. I'm really looking forward to it!

 

Ain't life great!

Enjoy your holiday.....

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.


On his eighteenth birthday Tom, the son of a prominent Senator announced to his family he was going to enlist in the military. As a former infantry paratrooper who has had the privilege of serving in the 82nd Airborne Division, his father recommended the Army. He explained to his son that Airborne was the best, and had the most integrity of all the armed forces. His son took his fathers advice and joined the Army Airborne. During basic training, Tom began to have second thoughts about his decision, as he discovered he was petrified of the thought of jumping out of a plane. Sure enough, the day had arrived for his first jump. While in the plane he told his Sergeant of his fear of jumping. The Sergeant told Tom he would jump last, so he could watch the others and gain his confidence. Tom thanked the Sergeant for his understanding and went to the back of the line to get ready for his jump. He watched his fellow soldiers jump from the plane one by one but when it was his turn, he froze. He told the Sergeant he wasn’t jumping. The Sergeant said “jump or I’ll pull your pants down and **** you in the ***.” Tom was shocked, and told the Sergeant not to talk to him that way. “Do you know my father is a Senator?” “I don’t care who he is,” yelled the Sergeant and repeated; “jump or I’ll pull your pants down and **** you in the ***.” That night, when Tom got back to the barracks he immediately called home to complain to his father. He denounced the integrity of the Airborne Division, told his father what had happened and how the Sergeant spoke to him. His father asked, “Well did you jump?” and Tom answered, “a little.”


Q: What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?

A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.

 

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their
honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon,
the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a
couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom,
"how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words...
You've got to come get me and take me home . . . . . .
PLEASE MOM!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...it's just terrible.
Words like DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK."

 

Dont know if there true or not, nut there is a humor value here.

The following are purported to be actual comments made
by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their
final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but
these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock
bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the
plastic thingy to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should
sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but
the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to
be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created
this child beat out 1,000,000 others

 

DRIVE THRU CHURCH
>
>The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
>idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It
>worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
>
>The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a
>little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I
>supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are
>packed to the balcony."
>
>"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are
>open to the new ideas of youth."
>
>"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
>drive-thru confessional."
>
>"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations
>have nearly doubled since I began that!"
>
>"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,
>TOOT' N TELL OR GO TO HELL' can't stay on the church roof."