Subject: LENO, LETTERMAN, KILBURN & CONAN O'BRIEN ON
KERRY

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." -Craig Kilborn

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million,
Kerry will marry him." -Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." -David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so
friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." -Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." -Jay Leno

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came forward to
deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner
John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill
Clinton.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John
Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention
that to Bob Dole when I see him." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the
rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?!
Are you nuts?!'" -Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just
talking. He's doing it!" - Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated
Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana
Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." -Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he
wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against
the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to
face the rich white guyfrom Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a
whole different game." - Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild
but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating
someone with bigger hair then she had." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But
the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic
candidates have been ery supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." -Jay Leno

 

Those are great, but when I think about the possibility of him getting elected into office, it really scares me.

 

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman

"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey

"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." —David Letterman

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman

"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." —Craig Kilborn

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." —Jay Leno

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno

"I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." —David Letterman

"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds — kind of like his stint in the National Guard." —David Letterman

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different — his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." —Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since…President Bush." —David Letterman

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." —Jay Leno

"There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office." —David Letterman

"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." —Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." —Jay Leno

"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." —Jay Leno

"In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." —Craig Kilborn

"Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?" —Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno

"Bush did have an explanation, he said he did go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas." —Jay Leno


"President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard." —Jay Leno

"Critics are now saying that his dad got him out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did get him to go to Iraq." —Jay Leno

"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." —Craig Kilborn

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'" —Jay Leno


"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'" —Jon Stewart


"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman


"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno