Week at the Gym
> >
> > > WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY - If you read this without
> > laughing out loud, there is something wrong
> > > with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to
> get
> > into a regular workout routine.
> > >
> > > Dear Diary...
> > > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
> purchased a
> > week of personal training at the local health club
> > > for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on
my
> > college football team 25 years ago, I decided it
> > > would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> >
> > > Called the club and made my reservations with a personal
> trainer
> > named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-
> > > year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
> and
> > swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
> > > enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
> > diary to chart my progress.............
> > >
> > > Monday:
> > > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and
it
> was
> > well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
> > > find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
> goddess
> > - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
> > > white smile. Woo Hoo!
> > >
> > > Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took
my
> > pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
> > > She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed
it
> to
> > standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I
> > > enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
> > aerobics class after my workout today.
> > >
> > > Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
> > although my gut was already aching from holding it in
> > > the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC
> > week!!
> > >
> > > Tuesday:
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
> door.
> > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
> > > iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs
were
> a
> > little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
> > > mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
> feel
> > GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > Wednesday:
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
> toothbrush
> > on the counter and moving my mouth back and
> > > forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> > Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
> > > parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
> > impatient with me, insisting that my screams
> > > bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
> for
> > early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
> > > this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when
I
> got
> > on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> > > stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
> > simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
> > > elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
> > enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
> > >
> > > Thursday:
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed
> as
> > her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
> > > snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took
me
> > that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
> > > with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the
> > men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
> > > punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
> > >
> > > Friday:
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever
> hated
> > any other human being in the history of
> > > the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If
there
> > was a part of my body I could move without
> > > unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
> to
> > work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
> > > if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
> > *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than
> > > a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school
> you
> > attended and graduated magna *** laude
> > > from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and
> > nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
> > > someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
> > >
> > > Saturday:
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating,
> > shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
> > > today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with
> my
> > planner. However, I lacked the strength to
> > > even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> hours
> > of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > Sunday:
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
> can
> > go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
> > > also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a
gift
> > for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
> >
>
>

 

hahahaha the best line of all

 

Just thought I'd add a little more humor. God knows I could use it today...



Nair
>
> My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
>
> veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he
cleaned
>
> both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell
the
>
> lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go
to the
>
> store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears
once a
month.
>
> The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair
remover.
>
> At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this
>
> under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
>
> The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
>
> The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for
a
>
> couple of days."
>
> The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
> I'm
>
> using it on my Schnauzer."
>
> The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

That was very funny lol

 

LOL

I think thats the feeling that my co-workers have towards me since I've been dragging them all to the company gym.

 

One more...

Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.






***********


KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
&nb! sp; "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping! ."






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportun! ity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"