Sorry if this is a repost, but it was too funny to pass up...

> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found
a cat, but it was
> dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she
asked her
> pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't
move," answered
the
> child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher
exclaimed in
> surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned
over and went
> 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
>
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes
> later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can
you bring drink of
> water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
> "Da-aaaa d....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a
drink of
> water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have
to spank
> you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!" "When
> you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief,
> finally asked him "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?" The boy
> thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in and out
and
> keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake,
Dylan,
> come in or stay out!'"
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was
tucking
> her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked
> with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I
can't dear," she
> said. "I h ave to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken
at
> last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the
> children's sermon. All the children w ere invited to
come forward.One
> little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
and,as she sat
down,
> the pastor leaned over and said,"That is a very
pretty dress. Is it
your
> Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly
into the pastor's
> clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a
bitch to iron."
>
> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three year
old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the
shower.
> She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied,
"Yes, honey,
> remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I
know," she
> replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
>
> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two
> plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.Three plus
six, that son of a
> bitch is nine...."His mother heard what he was
saying and gaspe d,
"What
> are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing
my math
homework,
> Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to
do it?" the mother
> asked."Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother
asked the teacher
> the next day, "What are you teaching my son in
math?" The teacher
> replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The
mother asked,
> "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch
is
> four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she
answered, "What I
> taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four."
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken
> L ittle to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken
> Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and
so Chicken
Little
> went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling,
the sky is
> falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you
> think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her
hand and said,
"I
> think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The
teacher was
> unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
reply, "I'm Mr.
> Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this
was wrong, she must
> say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her
in Sunday School,
> and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I
> thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>
> 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with
the
> boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with
the boys,
they're
> too rough." The little girl thought about it for a
few moments and
> asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with
him?"
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She
stands
> next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a
> snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart,
you're gonna get
> hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and
I'm gonna get
> ***** too."

 

lol, only seen a few of those before. Pretty funny

 

Hair on your Twinkie ? Too much!

 

I liked the one that goes two plus two, that son of a bitch is four. And "Holy Shiat! A talking chicken!