For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:



Things I've Learned From My Children

(honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can gnite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however,if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

 

How true some of those are! May I add...

Fires in the dust bags of vacuum cleaners are easily achieved by sucking-up lit cigarettes.

Hampsters don't like to be tied down to radio-controlled vehicles.

No matter how much Draino you use, it won't melt a MatchBox car.

 

My daughter just started doing this over the weekend. She has known how to open the dishwasher for about a month now so I always look at the bottom before I start that.

Plastic smells for days if you don't catch it before it melts.

 

Damn!!! I am glad I am past that with my step-son, and daughter.

However here is another one to add to the list:

Cat's don't like to be dragged behind a bike with their tail tied with a 5 foot piece of rope to the bike.

However, it is funny as hell...

 

snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip

 

I put my mother through hell ............



I don't ever want kids knowing what revenge will be like

 

There is no quick and snappy answer to "Daddy, why does that big fat lady smell like wee wee?" while standing in at a supermarket checkout.

3 yr olds. Doh!!!!

 

My little one is as clumsy as I am (she will fall while standing still) so when she falls, runs into something or trips I ask her if she's drunk or tell her to have another. I'm just waiting for the day when she tells my mother-in-law one of these.

 

I take it you know this from personal experience?
Where you the riding the bike, or did you just tie the cat to it and encourage the kid to start peddling?

 

Well, let’s just say I invented the “Ricer car exhaust sound” When other kids were sticking baseball cards in the bike spokes for “sound” I was duct tapping kittens to the bike, and well, they make a hell of a high pitched sound…

Actually I have never done anything like that or the rope, honest you can trust me, you trust me don’t you?

 

HEHEHEH, thats good

 

I messed up 100's of baseball cards on my bicycle when I was little. It seems when you have it made you never realize it.

 

Amen brother!

I like kids......
Other peoples kids.

Condoms are cheaper than kids!