A couple of jokes...
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From: Central Joisey
A couple of jokes...
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted.
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A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
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A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves.
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A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
__________________________________________________ __
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves.
,,,,98
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From: The Bluegrass State
Re: A couple of jokes...
Originally posted by yysenhimer
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
Heck, we even pass on road kill for dinner (most of the time).
RP
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From: Central Joisey
Re: Re: A couple of jokes...
Originally posted by RockPick
and don't have shoes on our feet
RP
and don't have shoes on our feet
RP
It's funny that you say that. A couple years ago a friend and I were going to Atlantic City to do some drinikin and gamblin for the night. On the way down there we had a blow out in his mustang vert. Of course he didn't have a spare tire or jack (he took them out for weight savings from racing). Long story short (I'm cutting out a lot of funny details to get to the point), we were in the middle of the Pine Barrens in NJ. That's like being in the hills in Virginia or something. We walked for a couple of miles past a house where there were two young guys (high teens or low 20's) working in a make shift garage on a car. The garage only had a dirt floor. The two guys came out with socks on and no shoes and they were covered with dirt like they were wrestling. They offered to take us to a store but couldn't find their shoes. One kid only found one shoe so he wore that. Then they lit up a doobie that the one said he was growing in his back yard.
In NJ we call them "Pinies" because they live in the Pine Barrens.
Sorry if I offended anybody.
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From: The Bluegrass State
Very very difficult to offend me. I was just joking around.
Any one of those jokes could be 'INSERT STATE HERE' jokes. LOL!
It'll be spun around the next time it's told for Tennessee and then for Arkansas...
I could care less... pretty good joke though.
RP
Any one of those jokes could be 'INSERT STATE HERE' jokes. LOL!
It'll be spun around the next time it's told for Tennessee and then for Arkansas...
I could care less... pretty good joke though.
RP
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From: Moore, OK
Re: A couple of jokes...
Originally posted by yysenhimer
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves.
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves.
I love pharmacist jokes. They're always either very dry or very Viagra-ish.
I'm a pharmacist and I wish I could regurgitate all the Viagra jokes I've heard...
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From: SoCal
Here's some more..........
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was grinning at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in Court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloane's Liniment will reduce the swellin" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED"
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"The Frog and the Loan"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Now that you have quit singing the last joke.....
Here's a day in the life of a So. Californian........
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "I've been
transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously.
"They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was grinning at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in Court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloane's Liniment will reduce the swellin" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Frog and the Loan"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that you have quit singing the last joke.....
Here's a day in the life of a So. Californian........
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "I've been
transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously.
"They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."