French Military History
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From: "Enjoy every sandwich" - Warren Zevon
French Military History
Can't take credit for this, but thought it was not only preety funnt, but TRUE!
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Observations: 1.)Going to war without the French by your side is like going deer hunting without your accordion.. You are leaving a lot of noisy useless baggage behind. 2.)Europe caused WWII by trying to appease Hitler during the 30's and refusing to enforce the Treaty of Versailles 3.)With "friends" like this...Who needs enemies.
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Observations: 1.)Going to war without the French by your side is like going deer hunting without your accordion.. You are leaving a lot of noisy useless baggage behind. 2.)Europe caused WWII by trying to appease Hitler during the 30's and refusing to enforce the Treaty of Versailles 3.)With "friends" like this...Who needs enemies.
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From: NH
Originally posted by MROLDV8
What?....And we need THEIR help?
What?....And we need THEIR help?
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From: Fife, WA
Originally posted by 01 XLT Sport
Well, yes we need there help. We need someone to bring us a drink when we are hot. Someone to bring us a snake during breaks. Things like that and sometimes it can be real fun. You tease them like tell them "your going on the front line today" and then listen to them scream like a little girl, you know the kind of scream that makes you go def...
Well, yes we need there help. We need someone to bring us a drink when we are hot. Someone to bring us a snake during breaks. Things like that and sometimes it can be real fun. You tease them like tell them "your going on the front line today" and then listen to them scream like a little girl, you know the kind of scream that makes you go def...
"MON DIEU!!!! MONSIEUR!!! I CANNOT DO ZAT! I WILL BREAK A NAIL!"
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From: Atlanta
Do not read this unless you want to be mad at the French and the UN ... This is old news but this is an example of weakness turning out very bad ...
http://www.rferl.org/nca/features/20...712152656.html
Quote:
More than 7,000 Bosnian Muslims are believed to have died after Bosnian Serb forces overran Srebrenica on 11 July 1995. The town had been designated a safe haven, but the small contingent of Dutch peacekeeping forces stationed there offered little resistance after its requests for help were denied.
Panelist David Harland, author of the UN report on Srebrenica, told the symposium his research found that the Dutch forces had requested intervention by air forces at least five times before the enclave was overrun, but they were turned down by their superior, French General Bernard Janvier.
http://www.rferl.org/nca/features/20...712152656.html
Quote:
More than 7,000 Bosnian Muslims are believed to have died after Bosnian Serb forces overran Srebrenica on 11 July 1995. The town had been designated a safe haven, but the small contingent of Dutch peacekeeping forces stationed there offered little resistance after its requests for help were denied.
Panelist David Harland, author of the UN report on Srebrenica, told the symposium his research found that the Dutch forces had requested intervention by air forces at least five times before the enclave was overrun, but they were turned down by their superior, French General Bernard Janvier.
