Texas Chili
If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down
> > your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
> >
> >
> >
> > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> > the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
> >
> >
> >
> > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> > They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
> > town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
> > These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
> > was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> >
> >
> >
> > "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
> > to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
> >
> >
> >
> > I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> > wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
> > free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
> >
> >
> >
> > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> > when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,Get
> > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
> > all of the beer.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> > unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> > barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch
> > is starting to look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is
> > chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> > I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
> > needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
> > her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher I wonder if
> > I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
> > asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices and peppers.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> > garlic. Superb.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> > gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried
> > it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
> > me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
> > feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> > peppers.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of
> > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> > about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> > cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> > chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> > lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
> > know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful.
> > Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
> > suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >
> >
> > Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> >
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
> > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
> > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
> > sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude wonder how he'd have reacted
> > to really hot chili.
<><><><><><><><><><>

 

long but funny

 

I'd reply, but I have to pee from laughing so hard

 

man, how long did it take you to type all that?

You must be one hell of a typer

 

Great story, LMAO I need some ice cream now...

 

Very funny! and I don't even like Chili

 

The wonderful world of copy and paste. LOL!!!

 

absolutely hysterical is about all I can say!

 

That's great!!!!