Where they hid the WMD's
 

In my dog's butt. :eek:

Lemme explain.....

Last night, I was sitting on the couch wathcing T.V., dog laying on the floor, I heard this, what I can only describe as an almost silent but audible sound of air escaping. Kinda like a "Poooooh" sound. I looked down at the dog, and he just layed there for a few seconds then his head went up, ears up and forward to full alert, he then did something very odd. He whimpered, stood up and shook his head, growled, put his head down, tail tucked between his legs, sneezed, whimpered again, looked at me eyes watering, howled, then ran out of the living room.

Like an idiot I sat there and waited. Let me say that having a fresh glass of ice water in my hand at the time is one of the things that saved me. Also the fact that the initial attack appeared to be about 90% fragrance and about 10% substance. Any higher on the substance level and we wouldve been dead.

It began by entering my olfactory with a level red attack. Now we are used to level yellow and orange. But red is very real. It IS the actual attack. It then jumped to purple because when too much blood rushes to your head, that is the color of everything as your eyes begin to pop out of your head. Deep rich purple. My face turned red and started to burn, the hair on my arms began to wilt and tears poured down my cheeks, mixing with fine pieces of hair that where once my eyebrows and eyelashes.

As the toxic gas entered my blood stream, the gag reflex began, and my mind started to race. Hallucinations began. I looked through tear stained eyes at the purple hallway that led out of the living room, and like in the horror movies it seemed like it was two miles long. :help:

Quivering and shaking from the first attack I pressed the thankfully overlarge glass of water over my nose and mouth and turned it into a makeshift gasmask. I then fell to the floor in a quivering heap. I was not able to call for help, for my parched lungs could only expell the noxious fumes and refused to pull in anything.

I lay there for what seemed like days, skin burning, lungs aching, eyes watering, only thinking of life. It flashed before me. I thought of my new F-150 truck in the driveway, my wifes DD's and wondering if I would ever see the kids graduate. From somewhere deep inside I managed to find the strength to crawl. Remembering that firemen crawl because smoke rises, and there is fresher air towards the ground, I resorted to my years of military training and low crawled out of the livingroom, head turned sideways, glass pressed to my face.

As I made my way down the hallway towards the front door, first passing the stairs that led upstairs, things begin to turn red, then slowly shifted to pink as I pulled away from the cloud of acrid, biological dog deployed, middle eastern induced chemical plume.

Passing the den, still low crawling, my wife turned to see what the gasping throat wrenching sound was.

As she looked down upon my poor wreched soul, with love in her eye's, hand on her hips, she said "What the hell are you doing? Why is that glass on your face? You are getting water all over the floor!!"

As I looked at her (chest) I thought...I must live. I crawled the last few feet to the front door, fumbled with the lock, swung the door open, and lurched onto the front porch. I took in huge gulps of fresh air. My aching lungs began to subside, my skin began to cool, and the tears that where once flowing down my cheeks ceased to be. After my mind began to clear I explained to my wife what had happend to me and that we must find the dog and not let it go to the bathroom again. I assured her a #4 cork would do fine, all we would had to do is tackle it and plug it up before it could attack again. I was thinking anything that came out would China Syndrome in our backyard and this could be bad.

She looked at my and smiled, and said I was being very dramatic and over reacting. I told her "O.k. Fine....go into the living room and tell me I am overacting."

She walked down the hallway and stopped when entering the livingroom and gasped. "Jeffry!!! She yelled, what did you do??"

It took five minutes to try to explain it wasnt' me, it was the dog.

I know she does not believe me, so I am stating my case in this forum. Some middle eastern idiot hid his stash in my dogs butt and I want to warn everyone to keep an eye on their pets. This is some kinda conspiracy.:devil:

Jeff

Be glad your dog has a tail. With out bully anything thats going to come out has nothing to block its path so it shoots straight at you. He can clear out the back deck of a BOAT in 5 minutes (its been done before).

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Thats what happens when you feed your pooch refried beans!

Writer
 

Really good story -- they should have you on "prarie home companion" as a creative story teller!!

savageyzf:

Moral of the story:

Do NOT let RockPick feed your dog... :devil:

Great story!
I wish my wife had DD's.
(oops, sorry to get side tracked)

There's nothing worse than a stinky dog fart, especially the silent ones. (they kinda sneak up on ya and take you by surprise)

I have been undersivingly blamed for many such "silent Pfffffts"

Picture it:
Wife and I are in bed, our 3 dogs are sprawled out on the bed with us, and suddenly we hear a "Pffffft"
The lights come on, and she starts blaming me for farting in bed and stinking up the room.
So naturally, I blame her, and as I look across the bed, I see 3 little bastards lying on their back smiling from ear to ear.

In all honesty, I have been responsible a couple of times, but shamelessly blamed the dog anyway.

Habibi

https://www.f150online.com/galleries...1358-29207.jpg

Cool dogs, I just got a Schnoodle, a mix of minature Schnozer (sp?) and minature poodle...

I've never heard of that breed, sounds cool.
Have a pic?

Well habibi, my dog is half bull terrior and have sh*tsu so i guess that makes him a bullsh*t?

Why do we always get blamed for the real nasty farts? I almost killed my four year old the other day. I picked her up to tickle the piss outta her and she let one go, and I almost dropped her on her head trying to get away.


As far as having a tail, I can't imagine it (the tail) can take too much more of that...I am sure it will have to come off soon. Kinda like a self defense measure.

01, RP has not replied...maybe the dog ate him and that is the source of his problems? To much leather in the digestive track?

Mark thanks for the compliments.

Oh... come on... it wasn't that bad...

Just a mixture of beans, chicken, and multitudes of vegetables... geesh...


On the other hand, I was laughing my ass off reading that post... LOL!!!

RP :D

Anyone ever give a dog a devil'd egg ???


Great story :devil: :devil:

When I was a kid I feed a neighbors dog like 8 of them bad boys because I use to hate them. My best friend at the time, it was his dog, wasn't my best friend for a while... :devil:

Thats just mean.

Maybe at the time, but it was fun after I found out what happen... :devil:

LOL, devil'd eggs, dang that would be rancid. If I ever catch my dog eating one I just might as well go ahead and ship his furry butt to the middle east.:devil: